Shiskappeal

letter to the israeli

2008-06-25T17:01:00.001-07:00

hey

I just wanted to tell you i miss you. bella is good. look at this funny picture. they have it in a shirt, i want to buy it, it's so funny. also the new iphone is going to be out in a few weeks so i am going to get one i think, did you want one too? dori's brother is here. he's pretty nice actually. alot like dori it seems, so pretty funny and nice. i am pretty excited because i am seeing this singer i like, liz phair this week at the vic. i have never sing her and she is singing her first album from like, 10 years ago. actually you like one song by her. soo....

I realized I can say anything I want to you. I don't even have to be embarrassed because you won't be home for 2 months.
So here are some things. I think about you at the most quiet and random times. When I read something beautiful or hear the perfect song. Things around the house. Pita and Chocolate. Sometimes I see something funny and want to tell only you. You really are my best friend. I think things are always better just knowing you're always a drive away. You have a great smile and I like how well you know me. I like that you are smart and good and that you really want the best for people. I met you in July of 06 so it's about 2 years now. These have been the best 2 years for me. I have grown so much as a person, really changed for the better, and you have been the biggest reason. You became my best friend who I know I will always know. We have Bella who is the most unbelievable dog. Life, though has had some bad times, has overall been amazing and we have only grown as people. My mom says you can get better or bitter in life, so it's good to get better.

I was thinking, which I know you hate lol, but I really have learned a lot from you. I learned forgiveness is something, that when you mean it, isn't hard at all. I can honestly say I have nothing in my heart but good feelings towards you. I am really excited for you to come home and hang out again and go to school and see movies and hopefully just have a good time.

No matter what, for whatever it's worth, you are in my thoughts and heart. I know you wish for me to be happy and find someone, and I am sure I will. You just have to remember, for someone to matter to me they have to live up to the standards you have set and they are just really high. A person like you doesn't just come along everyday. Incredibly good and fair, kind, smart, sexy lol, with the best smile and heart and funny too. So, I am learning patience to find what God has in store for me. I kind of learned the other night, that well, people you love should be bring out the best in you. I saw the worst in myself the when I was with a friend of mine and I hated how I was acting. Seriously, so rude and bitchy and just...I wasnt happy. You bring out the best in me. I pray and know that I will meet someone who is going to do that to me and love and and I am sure when I am ready God will provide for me. I know God has a plan for all of us and sometimes we just have to look at the bigger picture to understand. It helps with hard times.

But anyways, I promise, I know you know there's a part of me that will always just love you in a way I know you don't want but I promise you I am going to make that go away so when you come back, well you won't have to worry that I will misunderstand anything and we can hang out like we used to.

Don't get mad but I already applied for you atcollege and am seeing what you need to do and stuff to be ready if you want to do school in the fall. I will stop if you want but I just want to make sure if you really want to go that it's ready for you. It's easier to start and cancel then to wait too long.

This is long so I'll say one more thing and be done. I hope the best for you. I have you in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I always wish for you to be happy, find yourself, and love yourself the way I love you and Bella does, and all your family. Never doubt how special you are and amazing and don't sell yourself short. I know you will do great things in life. You already have. I hope you come back tan and happy and I can't wait to give you a huge hug at the airport.

love
me

2008-06-15T01:14:00.001-07:00

I saw my Israeli boy band yesterday. I call them that because they are a group of 5 great looking nice guys that are always together and each are different but go together perfectly. Hung out, they cooked, I broke a plastic fork trying to cut something in front of them which was basically mortifying but I got over it fast.

Work is going better. A faster computer has decreased my workload by about half so that is great.

I had a great time with my friends mom yesterday who is orthodox and answered a lot of my questions about conversion. I am getting serious. Next step, picking a Rabbi to sponsor me.

Clean and clear morning burst is actually pretty amazing. I use the moisturizer too. Absolutely amazing and does wake you up in the morning.

I am missing Eli but the separation is okay. It;s hard to imagine him half way around the world doing so much I will never know, understand, even know about. Being in the house without him is weird again. I can understand why he always slept on the sofa. Without him here, the bedroom doesn't hold much appeal for me. More then anything I still miss sleeping with him. I hope everything is going well. I am not going to call or email him, I am giving him space and I don't need any problems with his psycho gf.

Here is my list of things that are important for me to do.

1) finish degree. fuck philosophy, i am going to do the easiest major at my college and get a communications degree. philosophy i will minor in or study for fun only
2) orthodox conversion. recognized in Israel.
3)travel
4)learn hebrew
5)lose 25lbs by my birthday in august.

I had a semi hook up with an old friend on saturday night. not much changes. he is hot and comfortable.

and cums in 10 seconds.

but this happens to me a lot, guys cum fast. apparently i give a good bj.

i wonder if i convert will i have a different view on sex? sometimes i think how it doesn't bother me to let the people i like touch me. i dont see it as bad. i mean tony and i have a 9 year history. sometime hooking up with him, or some of my ex's/friends, its becomes neither here nor there. just something i enjoy and like more then i mind, ya know? i told miami that i don't want to talk to him much anymore. it is more of a bother then a jyo and he wont be back here for a few months and i just wasn't feeling what i wanted to feel. i know the feleings i have had and i am not settling for less when i am happy alone.

this madonna song 'jump' is not bad.

The Heart of the Matter (India Arie Version)

2008-06-15T01:11:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore

2008-06-13T18:13:00.000-07:00

I talked to the Israeli today. I hate calling him the Israeli. I'll call him by his middle name, Eli. I sent his sis an email telling him to call me or let me know he was okay because he didn't talk to me when he arrived in Israel on Tuesday. He called me and he was really nice. His mom liked the gifts I got her, a framed hamsa with flowers and a nice candle box holder for shabbat in blue. They do Shabbat on Fridays and I want her to have something that she can think of me and know I respect and love her and their family.

I know I should absolutely not care but when he calls me baby, I kind of melt a bit. Since Feb, I have had sex with 2 people, gone out with 3, had guys really like me, kiss me, do everything I wish he would have but all that has mattered is the feel of his mouth on my skin, his words in my heart, his lips on mine. One night in 4 months, only days before he left and the memory of anyone else has been erased. The hanging out, the way we can look at each other and know everything. I just need to remember that he left here to be with his crazy gf (who tattooed his name, ugh!).

I might go to the pool tomorrow with a friend and I have a brunch to go to. Also seeing friends on Sunday and I need to go to the library, bank, city hall for a bogus ticket, and grocery shopping.

Also I ran a party for about twenty 8 year olds. A hula Hawaiian themed party. We were the skirts and lei necklaces, flowers in our hair. It was actually pretty fun. I need to figure my life out and then i can;t wait to have kids, when I meet the right person.

What should I blog about?

I cut 3 inches off my hair. I rented 27 Dresses and Becoming Jane. I need a vibrator. I had thai food. I need to feel that spark for someone besides Eli. I need to stop blogging when I'm half awake....

2008-06-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

Glitter is meant to be my best friend. Besides the fact we both have parents with the same names, brothers in the same grade, and loved magic nursery babies and leggings. Not to mention when we would harass the oldies station to play 'Judy's Turn to Cry'. Today, the fact that we both were seperately wikipeding Fleetwood Macs 'Rumour's' shows how we awesome we truly are. Fucking badass. I love things like that. When you are thinking of someone and the second you do, they call or text.

Today I got a new computer at work. Woo Woo or whatever. I wore cute leggings and a teal dress thing from Caché.

Okay so I love podcasts. I love sleep more.

More tomorrow.

Been a long time, Shouldn't have left ya...

2008-06-10T22:32:00.000-07:00

I finally have Internet back at home and can blog again. My work blocks all blogging sites and I have never felt comfortable blogging at my friends. I think maybe I would at Glitter's but haven't had the chance yet *cough*invitemetosanfran*cough

Life has had some up's and down but mainly for me life has been good.

The Israeli left again today for Israel. Another few months. We'll see.

Glitter was here recently for a wonderful vacation. We saw Paul Van Dyk at Vision. Last night we spent 2 hours talking on the phone while wikipeding and looking at what weird sex toys the Israeli apparently bought. Also some whoreanus over priced steve madden shoes and then the fabulous michael kors ones she just got.

Sometimes when I'm at work I put ideas in Microsoft word about things I want to blog about. Or my favorite things. Things like "Dan in Real Life", my current obsession with Bob Dylan, quoting Ladybugs with Glitter "I took my girlfriend's son, put him in a dress, and made him play with my balls" Rodney Dangerfield and Jonathan Brandis, how we miss you.

I moved to my own apt but while the Israeli is gone I am back at "home", well home according to my GPS which I cannot figure out how to change.

I also love the Jesse McCartney song "Leavin" and Kanye West and Estelle's "American Boy".

I love reading the Torah/Old Testament.

I bought the most amazing pair of shorts ever and I NEVER wear shorts.

Thank god for nice breasts. Halter + those short +peep toe heels=hot summer look

How could I forgot. I have had sex and a lot of but only a month ago. My whole 24 years I have only in the last year met guys that love licking vag. I mean seriously love it. I haven't had to go down on a guy in ages, which I like, except to the Israeli which we both love and that was only 1 time. These 2 guys, LA and Miami are both crazy about me and from Israel. They could potentially know each other because they work in the same industry but so far have stayed on separate coasts. I also let a lawyer make out with me for a while but once I got off, I was like oops I'm useless now and left.

More soon, I swear!!!

Also. I LOVE him!!!!

touch my body

2008-03-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

The Israeli: Hey, the kitchen is dirty.
Me: Yeah....as dirty as your girlfriends vagina.

That has been the tone of the week. Fighting. I realize I have not lost him only as a lover but even as a friend. bah. Enough about him right now.

Things I Love Right Now
mariah carey-touch my body
leona lewis
my new kenneth cole jacket
america's next top models whitney and lauren
purim parties
blogging more
tanning on lunch breaks
dancing
joyce carol oates
dan in real life

I bought some cute new tops so Saturday night i want to to go dancing.

I have been a lot of joyce carol oates and have been loving her. Right now I am on 'We Were the Mulvaney's' which has also been made into a lifetime movie.

I would also like to point out I am so sexually frustrated. No sex for months. I need a new vibrator. None of my old fuck buddies are very appealing. I am not going to have sex unless it is GOOD.*sigh* If anyone has a good vibrator suggestion, let me know. OR wants to send me a tall, dark, handsome, nice guy that would be great too.

Insomnia

2008-03-12T22:39:00.000-07:00

For the last week I can barely get more then 2 hours of sleep at night.

I am moving April 1st. I am taking Bella but he gets everything else. We are till "friends". If by friends you mean he calls me for questions, favors, etc and does exactly what he wants when he wants.

He loves her. She will be coming to America in the next few months. They fight more in a day then we ever did but that doesn't matter. I have learned that at my best he will love her more at her worst. I may be the good choice but I am not his choice.

The sick thing is I would stop the moving process and go back to him if eh only wanted me. Since he has been back, almost a month, he has not even once tried to touch me. Very humiliating.

I am drinking jack and diet coke but even that isn't helping.

Basically, I am not his "100%" but I am high up there. Apparently fighting all the time and dating a girl that almost rips up your passport, changes your flight tickets, and fakes/tries to get pregnant, is just better then 90% or so.

I know I should hate him not her but she is just poison. It is his mistake to make and I hate I can do nothing.

I am registering for school for summer. I have a new place in April. I lost some weight. Stopped sleeping. Trying to smile.

All I can do is move on. Do my best. Learn to love me. Wish me luck.

I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.

2008-02-09T12:19:00.000-08:00

"don't worry it will be okay"

i am scared. i am just scared. i mean, i have absolutely no idea what will happen. it was 70 days away from each other. separate lives. many lies.

my bed was cold and now is my heart. i want to just be held by him. i want to lay there and just wish all the the rest of the world away. running away from reality is not the answer. problems will be there and being held will make me confused. i know its the end and perhaps thats why it is so sad. i mean, i can't hate him. i want to but until i lay my eyes on him and he is here, i won't know how i really feel. i know i am worthy of more then being cheated on. lied to.

9 days.

I feel like Monty in 25th hour.

Should the Israeli coming home make me feel like I am going to prison?

I'll forgive you for what you've done
If you say that I'm the one
I've had other options too
But all I want is you

It's not my style to lay it on the line
But you don't leave me with a choice this time
Why weren't you true
You know I, I trusted you
But you don't leave me with a choice this time
Why weren't you true
You know I, I trusted you

When you were just friends
At least that's what you said
Now I know better
(gavin degraw-just friends)

My Way-Frank Sinatra

2008-02-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

Ive loved, Ive laughed and cried.
Ive had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

top model ruined my marriage

2008-02-06T20:03:00.001-08:00

The idea of not being able to watch TopModel on Wednesday was the deciding factor.

I just couldn't pick the Israeli over Tyra.

Two months being alone and I refuse to give up my Wednesday nights for a cheater.

why so quiet

2008-02-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

i found out the Isreali is cheating on me.

checking his email to print his flight tickets i saw his ex girlfriend emailed him.

apparently not so ex.

since then more emails have come and he is leaving thailand early to spend another week with her.

this i found out from the airlines. calling his american cell phone and asking for her. the emails come in hebrew so they have to be translated.

the first email is how much she loves him and misses him and wants him to spend more time with her in israel. how she is sorry they fought, he was right, and how she loves him. he tells me he did hang out with her but "not like i think" and she is "practically married, living with her boyfriend".

the next email was, "don't worry the airline will not bother your lover anymore". it talks about how she doesn't want to be a in a triangle with him, me, and her. how he is a coward. how she wants to tell him things but she can't say it on the phone. this means while he can't call me in thailand he is calling her. yeah. she tells him they should end it and go on with their lives. he must have sent her something back because about an hour later she says she doesn't care what anyone says, she loves him more then words can say. she includes a picture and tells him not to be jealous the guy is a friend of her aunts.

i sent him an email that i feel pretty good about.

you are not giving me the chance to say this on the phone
i don't know whats going on with you. when they gave you a new nose, they gave you a new heart?
we both know whats going on so don't lie.
i don't want to be lied to and i don't deserve it.
i always thought you respected me. loved me,
don't worry, i know i was not the one you loved but i believed you wouldn't hurt me and you respected me.
i feel like everything i knew, wasn't true.
i am in love with you. you know this. in love, didn't want a life without you.
when you love someone, you want them happy. i want you happy.
i don't make you happy. so be happy. but don't hurt me or people in the process.
stand up for what you want. be kind.
there is not a chance for us to be friends, which is the saddest part of all.
i don't even know if you are planning to come home. or to bring her here. or what is going on.
this is my life too, not just yours.
i am a person with feelings. i deserve respect and the truth.
i know you are going to be in Israel this week. el al let me know.
as a person, a friend, please call me and let's talk.
let's really talk.
maybe I should hate you for all this but it isn't in me.
in the end, you lost out on me. i am a good person. i was a good friend. i am a good woman.
i am sorry for both of us.
i am sorry i believed you wouldn't hurt me. i am sorry i was lied to when you called me. i am sorry i lost my best friend. i am sorry i ever saw that email.
i am sorry you felt lying was better then the truth. i am sad you lost yourself.
the israeli i know is the best person in the world. he was kind and honest and even when it was hard to do, he told the truth.
i honestly sit here and just can't believe this is happening. that you of all people in the world could do this to me.
it hurts to think i am your american girl to do everything and call el al but i got replaced and she became the girl to do it for you.
i was honestly checking your email to print your tickets and call to see if anything had changed and a flight had opened up for you to come back to israel a few days early and see your family. i didn't know it was because you wanted more time with her.
may god be with you and bless you and let you find yourself.
when you come home, i want you to stay somewhere else.
the papers, we will figure out.
its like, i could change the locks...but youre a locksmith. irony.
i could pack your stuff. i could scream. i could try to hurt you like you hurt me.
i just cant. i fucking cant.
i sit here and want to be angry. i think of Vegas and seeing jerry with you. of us on the plane. of fixing the ipod so you could fly okay. when we first met and you weren't scared to kiss me. you have the softest lips and the most amazing kisses. and you never thought i was good enough to deserve them. i was good enough. i think of you sad this summer when i wanted to leave. i think of our life together and why it wasn't enough for you to stay away from a girl who hurt you, yelled at your sister, and never saw how special you were.

for whats it worth, you had my heart and now its broken. i know god will take care of me and i will find someone else who will one day take care of the special person i am. i hope you have found that person for yourself. if she is good to you, i wish you well. make sure she loves you and looks out for you, remembers the way you like your food, buys you things when she thinks of you, make sure you go to the dentist. i am crying now so i am going to go but.......don't think i want to let you go. i want to fight for you. i'm not going to fight for you if you dont want me. i am sorry if i held you back. you made your choice. i hope we can work something out with bella. i know you once told me bella was your weak spot but she is my life, she is whats keeping me from falling apart. she is my reason to wake up, she is the only thing that can make me smile, i need her now that i wont have you. if there is any hope of feelings for me.......dont tell me because i will only have hope on a guy who loves me 2nd best and i deserve to be loved the best. for the way i talk to much and apparently snore and cant cook and hate driving in the snow. in the end, you lost out on a great girl. i lost my best friend.

good luck, fly safe.

when he read it, i happened to be up getting dressed for work and heard the sound that i had a message in my g-chat. he said i made him cry. i was like, yeah you made me cry. he avoided eveything saying he would call me from bankgkok. he talked about a small dog he wishes i could see. that i would like it there. that she was only writing those emails so i would see them. he "told her not to". could he explain why the airline called me looking for me? didnt even try to explain. he says "u and your mind can go places i dont want u to go".

i have been through every emotion. i actually have gotten sick from being so stressed. i can barely eat. i feel naseous most of the time. i am basically in shock. if i ever thought he would cheat, never would it have been with this girl. she was in america all last year begging to see him (she was in texas) and he ignored her. he toild me heoped she dind;t even know he was in israel. over there she lives a few minutes from his house so...yeah. this girl was hated by his friends and family, she was mean, there were together maybe a year or 2, always breaking up. clearly though she has something. he likes how bad she treats him i guess.

i want to forgive him but come on. if his infatuation with her, after now seeing her for 2 years, is this strong, what is the point. he says he wants to be with me but what does that even mean. i don;t know what to do. any advice would be helpful. even if you just read this and enevr comment, or just sutmbled across, this i need help.

i thank god for my friends who have been here for me. i love you glitter, flower, mr gucci. i love my work friends. i love my dog. i love myself. that is the key. i love myself and i know now, i am strong now, through him the past 2 years actually, to know i don't deserve this. but when i think of my life with him, i mourn the loss of our friendship, our love. the israeli who comes back will not be the one i fell in love with.

2008-01-26T08:49:00.000-08:00

I will be going out with Irish tonight to celebrate Audrina2.0's birthday tonight.
Requirements as follows:
-~~Bebe Gift Card~~
-spending at least $60 plus dinner and taking the L plus a taxie is enough of a gift we decided
-tight jeans
-semi slutty top (married + freezing below 0 temps make for a safety first night)
-according to Irish, Audrina and Co. will be wearing hoochie dresses. I will now be wearing some sort of skirt and boots and thank god for my long Michaels Kors winter coat.
-$40 to get in and drink all night
-good dinner so as not be drunk fast
-my 'nice, lets get along with everyone' attitude

Predictions for the night:
-seeing who will make out with more people Irish or Audrina2.0. (both have sort of bf's so this should be interesting)

-me being slightly uncomfortable at first with Audrina's Trixie friends. (Trixies are typically depicted as "social climbing, marriage-minded, money-hungry young ladies that seem to flock to the upwardly-mobile neighborhood of Lincoln Park."^[1] Another description calls them "the women with Kate Spade bags for every day of the week; the ex-sorority girls still lusting after big, dumb jocks; the women who go to law school to find husbands.")
-don't forget the "bros" or "Chads" (attending private prep school, receiving a BMW for his 16th birthday, obtaining a law degree from a Big Ten University, moving to Lincoln Park, marrying a Trixie, and then moving back to the North Suburbs.")
-coming home along, semi drunk=wishing i could drunk dial the Israeli and engage in some steamy phone sex.
-will have to settle for vibrator
-late night food + episodes of the office
-puppy cuddling with my bella!!

Wish me luck guys. I haven't been out with the all american chicago post college kids in a while.

2008-01-24T23:31:00.000-08:00

The Israeli left for Thailand today. Not too much contact for three weeks but my baby sound ready to come home. Thank god. My good friend is going to help paint for me this weekend and I get to babysit for my favorite little girl. More than fair trade I say. I will post more tomorrow but its 1:#5 and I get up at ~~6:00am~~7:00am.

Oh! Got this from a friend tonight. LOVE IT!! Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush lipsgloss, flavor is 'Outstanding'. The sexiest pout ever. I have great lips, plump, sensual, whatever, guys love em and so do girls and they have a good color but this just makes them va va voom!! Try it ladies, smells great and feels amazing!!

Side note: My crazy ex, MF, apparently has a dinner with some people I know. A company dinner where my friends and him work together. Apparently he kept asking about me. Ew. Restraining order keeps him from bothering me but not my friends apparently. His new gf was there too. Apparently she resembles me. Ew Ew Ew.

tell me not to change and always be the same

2008-01-23T20:48:00.000-08:00

current mood: lazy

current song: walk way- paula deanda

Craigslist. Love it. Hate it. Everyone has an opinion and has most likely used it, even for curiosity. Myself, it's like chocolate. Very love/hate. I love using it, browsing, reading all the ad's. Free stuff. Pet posts. I have found 2 great jobs through it. Sold some things. Overall, I like it. But there is a whole side of craigslist I hate. I don't understand. GC signed up and kept emailing women. This marred man with 3 young children and a wife he loves and gets along with. Why was he looking for his kicks on there? Was he really not going to not meet anyone? If it is just a game, something to do, just for kicks, how long can you tempt fate? I keep hearing from male friends that it is just for the thrill and not serious but somehow I don't buy it. It might start off that way, a rush just to look, then to email, then to chat, and then eventually you find someone and click, you have met. I think cheating is really fucked up. We all have close encounters, people at work, friends, people you meet with irresistible attraction but to seek it out while in a committed relationship? What. The. Fuck.

I will now admit something. When I am bored, I check my first boyfriends myspace and every so often (one in like6 months) his old email. I know I shouldn't but come on! the boy hasn't changed his password in like8 years. It is purely become like fiction for me. I don't check his bank account or fuck with his emails, I don;t really do anything. We actually talk once in a while and I thought he has had a gf for over a year he had settled down but no. He has a cheating problem. Still. Did then and hasn't stopped. I saw tonight that about 2 weeks ago he had emailed the craigslist personals . A "curvy girl looking for fun". Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with men. I'm sorry but sex on the damn Internet is just..fine for single people and even very enjoyable but cheating is cheating, Internet or in person.

I know people are going to be like 'way to go snoop' but who wouldn't do that when they are bored? Or will my occasional snoop then let someone tell me an occasional craigslist peek is ok? Yes I think a look is fine. Look all you damn want it's the emailing and chatting and talking and stuff that is sick. Would it be okay for me to change his password or email his gf and let her know? Not cool. I know I shouldn't even snoop at all and maybe this admission will cure me of the occasional peek. Ugh.

I am all for online dating though. Myself I have met some great people, some best friend,s had some pretty good sex, and have never really had a bad experience. Well. I met MF off it but it also was true his ex gf dated my ex bf and was the girl cheated on me with so. Should have seen that coming I guess. Sigh. I have had friends meet people off jdate and christiansingles and end up getting married so those seem to work well. Don;t know any lasting myspace hookups or facebook. No craigslist ones either.

Okay time to end my rant and dry my hair. Since I've been writing this, Bella was curled up in a blanket in my lap, giving em the "mama lets go to sleep" look. She is amazing. She woke me up this morning when I had turned my alarm off accidentally instead of hitting snooze. She would stare at me, lick me twice ad nuzzle me until I was up. Thanks for not making me late baby!

You got me wrapped around your finger, Did you have to let it linger?

2008-01-22T19:15:00.000-08:00

Current Book: Women and Money by Suze Orman

Current Song: Brave by Idina Menzel + Wicked Soundtrack

Current Feeling: Longing

Random Things About Me

I love showtunes. I love driving in my car blasting Aida or Rent and singing at the top of my lungs. The same goes for pop music like Hannah Montana and even a High School Musical. I am fully aware that I am almost 25 but it is catchy music. (I said catchy, not good lol)
I worked at Victoria's Secret for almost 3 years. We ended up wearing a lot of things out under our clothes towards the end when management fucked us. I still feel bad so whenever I go in, I over buy to make up for my guilt.
I was raised by my bio dad, his partner, my mom and her husband. My brother and I grew up in catholic schools and in the best Chicago suburbs. I never had any discrimination about my gay parents.
I have never put a condom on a guy. I have always let them do it.
I have done cocaine, pot, mushrooms, and opium. I don't get drugs. They don't do much for me and I much rather laugh then be fucked up.
I do love wine but again, every once in a while. I just don't care much.
I can only get off to thoughts of the Israeli. I just can't fantasize about anyone else. This is something that has only happened with him.
I love dirty, sexy talk in bed. Dirty not stupid. Audrina2.0's idea of dirty talk is "give it to me big boy". Yeah, no.
I like being in control but I like a man who can control me. I respect people who want to be equal and not dominated.
I love reading and always have insane library fines. I read fast and read almost anything.
Favorite authors: Kurt Vonnegut, Chuck Palahniuk, Orson Scott Card, Old James Patterson, Richard North Patterson, Margaret Atwood
I love Blockbuster online.
I love Mandy Moore. She can do no wrong. A Walk to Remember. How to Deal. Because I said So. Saved. Please see these movies. She is a-fucking-dorable.
Love The Office. John Krasinski. Enough said. Actually Mindy Kaling (Kelly Kapoor). That's definitely enough said.
I need a new vibrator. Mr. Oaski has done a great job but he is like 4 years old. On the other hand, 27 more days and I won't need it again.
I am just really appreciating shoes. I had gay dads but they missed the fashion gene. My one dad is a "bear" and the other thinks he is some old English gent from a few centuries ago. Righhhhht.
I love Hanes wife beaters, Best brand to wear. They keep their shape and cling to the breasts quite nice. Wifebeater + cute earring + cute flip flops + big shades + comfy sexy jeans=my summer outfit.
I need some Dole or Chanel sunglasses.
I talk a ton but at home, relaxed, I am content to read and relax and be with the Israeli.
I have never had a brazilian, or even been waxed. Always just shaved. Mach3 is the best razor.
Drinks of choice: Cran and Vodka. Absolut and Tonic. Mimosa. Rum and Coke. Shots are jager or tequila1800.
Glitter is seriously a sister to me in heart and mind. My total dream is to raise our kids together.
I don;t move when I sleep so the covers never need to be made when I am alone. Add in the Israeli and I am making the bed everyday,.
I adore chinese and thai food. Love wings. Love ranch dressing and anything.
I am very serious about my conversion to judiasm but I am afraid to go to a synagogue alone and my Israeli friends don't go. That is one of my goals this year, to explore my faith.
I want to learn to cook and actually know spices go well and what they are more and to cook less off the recipe and more by taste.
I leave my contacts in for weeks at a time
I use the Mirena IUD and love it.
I do not have credit cards.
I love with all my heart and genuinely expect people to be good. It hurts to trust someone and have them not give a fuck.
I want to video blog.
I love chocolate and peanut butter ice cream.
I have one tattoo.
Victoria's Secret Very Sexy Push Up is the best bra. Ever. Comfortable. Work with most shorts. Give the best looking breasts. Get one. Life changing. My secret weapon. Make it yours.

Baby Got Back...and good makeup

2008-01-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

Hung out with my friend Lazy last night. I met Lazy through MF and we became friends after MF and I broke up. We get along well and he gets along with the Israeli (probably because he is also from Israel and the same age lol). Lazy is 25, recently broken up with his long term gf, and lives about 30min from me. He gets called lazy because he always wants us to come visit him, even though he has a roommate and a kind sketchy apt building. Like I am really going to go drive 30-45min depending on traffic at 8:30 at night when I get up around 6:30am for work and he gets up at like 11am. His lazy ass should come visit me, at least every other time. My place is cozier, no room ates, we live by a ton of mutual friends, and there is better food. Clearly, I win lol.

Anyways so he came over and we went to see Flower and her husband God Complex (GC). GC gets his name because he loves to help people way less fortunate or more fucked up then him so he feels better when they treat his like some god. The people who actually help him and don't fuck up he has less time for. So we went over to GC and Flowers to see if GC would pay him the $400 he owes Lazy. We were there for a while and I found out some interesting news about Toxic. So after we came by to my house, we smoked a bit and I drank some wine. He watched HBO Cathouse stuff and I played with Bella and thought about the Israeli. He left around 2 r so and I went to sleep. When I woke up, I had such a wine hangover (I had a glass when I had thai and wine again for dinner by myself). I called in work for a half day and went back to bed with Bella. I told them I ate at a diner and had food poisoning. Sent the Israeli some money via Western Union. Worked and came home. Cooked some Moroccan Fish and cous cous and relaxed. Showered and and watching True Life: I love my Fat Body. Which is apparently turning out that these people really don't.

The thing about fat and being fat and weight it, it really is a matter of confidence. It really is also a matter of health. There is chubby and plump and there is obese. When being overweight affects your health, then I think it would be wise to exercise and maybe eat better. This girl on the show says she won't eat anything she doesn't like but can she really dislike all food besides junk food? I love fast food, seriously Glitter and I were just talking about this but I also adore fruits and vegetables. I adore water over soda. My favorite salad dressing is only oil, vinegar, salt and lemon. I like how I feel when I work out. The thing is, most people that are at their natural body weight do some sort of exercise. Humans were not meant to be sedimentary creatures. We used to be nomads and roam and walk a ton. Now no one really gets exercise.

I have struggled with weight like most woman, and men too, and I can see I feel better being healthy. Sometimes, like now, I can be eating healthy and working out and my body might not be making a huge change but I feel good. A size 0 isn't for everyone and is very different on a tall vs short person. Stacey London says it best when you should ignore the numbers and focus on the clothes fit. I am a curvy girl. My but is out there and sexy, not some big flat ass but a round curvy thing. I have breasts and I have hips. I love my body. Some days its annoying but who doesn't have that? Look at me at 3, I have the booty then and I have it now. (Can I get in trouble for posting me when I was little like this? Hope not!!)

Besides how I look body wise, one thing that I do love is clear skin. Who doesn't? I don't wear a ton of makeup and I am blessed to be pretty blemish free but one thing that helps is Clinque's Almost Makeup. This is something I have used for years and I encourage everyone who wants a nice smooth skin with a no makeup feel you can put on it about 30 seconds. It is lightweight, you can't feel it, has SPF15 in it, and moisturizes. It comes in 4 shades that blend in to all skin tones. This also lasts forever and makes the easiest morning routine. I put this on, some blush, lipgloss and I am good to go. Very natural and flawless. Costs $19.50. Very reasonable for everything you get.

A second product I adore is the Bobbi Brown Long Wear Gel Eyeliner. This was something my friend Makeup got me hooked on. We met when she was working at Victoria's Secret beauty and I was in lingerie. We stayed friends and she used to work the Bobbi Brown counter at Nordstorms. I bought this and have never been disappointed. Goes on smooth, long lasting, never smears and just lasts and lasts. Love the pot it comes it, love the dark color, and love the way it just slides on. It also costs $19 and comes in a variety of colors. Definitely try this.

Good things about today. Moving desks away from the loudmouth. Comcast giving me free HBO for another year and keeping me on the triple play. Loving my Atkins Protein Shakes for breakfast. MY hair growing long and becoming easier to blowdry. Talking to the Israeli. Bella.

Afterthought: I sometimes wonder is my posts are too long or if this is a boring blog.

2008-01-19T23:09:00.000-08:00

Did I mention I have had a huge Burger King/Fast Food craving? Tongith it was bad since I havent had it in weeks but I overcame it and instead had some plain tuna with a little vinegar and olives. Sounds gross but it is protein and good.

Also. Want this little guy.

The Ex Factor

2008-01-19T21:22:00.000-08:00

Did some myspace stalking today, in between AMNT marathons and cleaning. I looked up my last ex bf, the craziest guy anyone will ever meet. I call him Mind Fuck (MF) because that's what he is best at. The thing that I don't understand is this, out of the 47 friends he has, most of them are ex gf's. Ex gf's of which everyone he cheated on and most he did meet on myspace. My relationship with him was the worst thing that has ever happened to me but yet in a way, the best because I learned everything not to do and not to accept. Before I get into the stogy, here's a preview of the kind of person he is. This is from a police blotter.

"Bxxx Sxxxxx, 23, of [address]., Chicago, was charged with telephone harassment and harassment by electronic communication. A 23-year-old woman called police from her place of employment at 5:45 p.m. June 4. She reported alleged continuous calls and instant messages from Sxxxxx, an ex-boyfriend. While police were speaking to the victim, Sxxxxx allegedly called her cellular telephone and an officer answered the phone. He warned Sxxxx about the harassment but Sxxxx allegedly called four more times while police were with the victim. Officers contacted Chicago police who arrested Sxxxx at his home as he was sending additional instant messages to the victim on a computer."

I think my favorite part might be the part where he was sending additional IM's. So, let's go back about 4 years or so. I met MF when my biological dad moved across country with his bf and basically ditched me, after I left college to take care of him. When I came home from a winter break I found him with no bills paid, house disgusting, and telling me he had suicidal thoughts again. So after I gave up alot of things in my life and encouraged him to go out and meet someone, when he did, he totally ditched me and moved to this guys home state and was a huge ass. Enter MF. Same personality and someone who needed to be taking care of.

From the second day I met him, he started in on me and I see now I was so vulnerable I confused love with demands and attention and being needed. I thought we were going to date but I went to visit family a few days later after he had said we were together and he then told me via IM he had a girlfriend he had just taken out for thai dinner, his signature as I would fine out. Through the next few months he would manipulate me (through crying, yelling, pleading, begging, etc) me to bring him food, give him money, let him use my car, sleep over so he wouldn't be alone, and meet every girl he met. God forbid if I went on a date. He would call so much I would turn my phone off and my dates were so confused they remained friends. Months into everything, after I had become close with his whole, rather hillbilly family, and we had actually hooked up did we start dating. We loved together and even signed a lease for an amazing apt.

The whole time he told me I dressed 'too plain', nicknamed me 'chubbers', spend his time playing world of warcraft or talking to ex gf's online, and become pushing me around. MF was 6'3 and when I met him, very lean. Apparently this was due to the fact he basically didn't eat. He gained weight, didn't shower, ever! I mean, literally once every few weeks he would and he never brushed his teeth. Needless to say, I was going to have sex with someone dirty or kiss him, so everything was fucked up. When he drank he wouldn't stop so I never went out with him and when he went with his friends, would come home reeking of whiskey and cigarettes and making me wonder who let him drive home. We ended up working in the same industry, eventually the same company, and that changed my life.

I began working with strong men who respected me and who helped me get my confidence back. When bruises started showing up on my wrists and arms, they stepped in. MF had started slow, yelling then shoving. Then came the hitting an more screaming, He would hit me and punch my head. He punched my arms, threw him against walls and beds, whatever he could do he did. MF had always claimed to never touch a woman since his drug/alcohol addicted father had hit his mother but then went out the window. He would hit me and cry but thank god for my bosses and all the lifetime movies I watched. After the 3rd time, I left him and my bosses helped me move out. They became some of my best friends and through them, I met the Israeli.

The Israeli and I ended up together, lived together, and got married. End of story right? MF just fades away? I only wish I had been that lucky. He called my phone all the time blocked, called work and the cell. Wrote things about me on the Internet. Tried to run my job. Called me every name he could think of, would call time after time after time. After a year or so, that's when the police blotter incident happened. Dragged that out so I had to go to court over 6 times after he no showed and lied about lawyers but it was worth it. I got my restraining order and he got a guilty plea. He still found ways to get to me, he pays someone $10 an hour to write shit about me from my old job, saying I am talking about other companies in that industry when I work in something so different.

While we were together, girls knew he lived with me and would still talk to him. They would believe he was 'unhappy' and talk even though he had cheated on them when he dated them. The girls found out he hit me, and to this day, still act as if he is god. He is the worst, manipulates everything, is always the victim and lies. It makes me sick to see how low these girls self esteem must be if they can talk to a guy who has lead them in for years, always saying he wants to be with them but when he is single they see he always gets a gf who isn't them. How can anyone want to talk to such an asshole? Someone who cheated and fucked them and every girl ever over? It just is so pathetic. I am not mad they like him so much as any girl liking a guy or person who treats them that way. For years. Who they barely see. He hides his disgusting self, inside and out, behind a computer screen.

I guess I got out and I wish all girls could in this situation.

10 Things I Hate About you said it best: don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.

I look at life this way. If I had never met MF, I wouldn't have never got into the same industry, meeting my bosses and through them, the love of my life. So god works in mysterious ways.

My glass of wine is empty and it's late so I am done for tonight. I don;t know if anyone even reads this but I feel better getting this all out.

Ciao!

One For My Baby (And One More For the Road)

2008-01-17T20:46:00.000-08:00

I have been spending the last 2 nights after work at Cost Plus World Market. There is one by my house which they are closing and so a good majority of the store is 75%. I bought a ton of new accent pieces for the apt. I bought a new shelf for the bedroom where I hope to put a plasma tv a soon as the Israeli gets back. I bought 4 candlestick holders, 2 for shabbat and 2 for the bedroom; 2 pictures, one for the bathroom and one to go with a picture of a rabbi; 2 sets of curtains; amazing new place mats and some decorative plates as a centerpiece; 6 chopstick sets; wine piece set; small mirror/plate and vase; tealight candle holder; table runner; and a few other things. So the apartment has really come together. One of my favorite buys though was this Mad Housewife Wine. I love the bottle so I don't think I will drink it but just enjoy it. It's a nice merlot so I suppose unless I get desperate, it will remained unopened. I bought a merlot and I am more of a white wine drinker anyways. While redoing everything I have made a corner of the house a more religious, introspective section. I have the picture of the rabbi and across a picture that is of vases/jugs in a setting that reminds me of biblical times. We have the shabbat candles, a menorah, a torah (bible), a gift I received for the honey at Rosh Hashanah. I will put my hamsa up soon too.

Besides decorating, today I donated blood. I think it is really important because I would not my myself or someone I love to be at a hospital and have them die because there was a blood shortage or something. I gave my pint in about 5 minutes (for the actually blood to be taken) and while I did get light headed and dizzy I think it was worth it. If anyone can give blood, please try to volunteer and help potentially save a life.

I ended up having pad si eiw again for dinner. I love the people who run the restaurant by my house. They are from Thailand and the brother is over there now,so my girl was like 'oh your husband is there? I'll give him my brothers number and he can take him out'. So cute!!! When I call the Israeli tomorrow I am going to let him know. He loves them too. We are quite loyal customers.

I am definitely doing my countdown more of when he comes home. 30 days. 20 days, 20 days, 5 day. Home!! I volunteered to work late tonight for 2 hours because then I get 3 hours to do whatever with. I want to take off a few days when he gets home so anytime extra is good for me. He will be bringing me something back from Thailand apparently.

bedtime for this girl. (love love love etta james, can't stop listening to her )

Baby I adore you and I'd do anything for you

2008-01-15T18:04:00.000-08:00

All week I have been doing the totally healthy thing. Eating 6 times a day. Small meals. Proteins. No Carbs. It's not awful but tonight I was craving something more then a salad. (I have lost about 5 lbs!!!) I called my favorite thai restaurant and ordered some pad si eiw. While I waited for that to be ready I drove to the liquor store which is totally ghetto and filled with guys speaking in bad grammar and talking about baby mama's. The liquor store is a block from my house but people drive there to get away from the city tax. So while they were swearing and enjoying being obnoxious I grabbed a bottle riesling and a bottle of white zinfendel. Wine and Thai food with Bella as my date was actually a pretty good night. I watched One Tree Hill which I haven't watched since the first season but it has totally sucked me in. (If that stupid nanny gets with nathan i will stop watching again!!) Just like Grey's which I have basically ignored all season and the last episode pulled me right back in. I will not be watching Rock of Love unless most of the episodes air and I end up watching a marathon, which is what happened last time. I LOVE How to Look Good Naked and I love Carson!! All women should watch that show because he is absolutely amazing with the girls!!

I need to add working out back in but I am concentrating on eating well and plan to add in the working out more this week. I built a ton of stuff from Ikea this weekend and I am sooo sore. I have a new dining room table, new drawer/table thing, cabinent for shoes and purses and scarves and what not and a new lamp. After I built everything on Sunday night I cleaned some and cleaned up more yesterday and took pictures for the Israeli. Tonight I finally got to relax and treated myself with the thai food. Glitter is in Cali and my other gfs also live far and I did kind of want some company so I called up an old friend...

I don't know if "friend" is even the right word. I don't know what to feel about this girl. I want to like her, she isn't a bad person per say but so fucked up and lives in a fantasy world. When I was first dating the Israeli she would say things like oh yeah he called me to come over blah blah and I'd be like that's weird cause I was with him all night and slept over.... So she knew she was lying but she just...she didn't want him but she wanted what I had. She wants happiness and has a hard time finding it for herself so she thinks if she takes someone else's it will work for her. I guess she could be called Toxic. I once had a therapist who told me "If you had a beautiful glass of pure sparkling water, the best in the world, and then someone put a drop of cyanide in it, would you drink if?" and that makes a lot of sense. No matter how much fun or good a person have, if there is something that toxic you have to stay away from the rest to protect yourself. I answered my won question. As lonely as I can be and how much I miss a fun gf I guess I should stay away. But she was fun at times. I miss having a steady girlfriend to hang out with. I love just saying hey I'm coming to get you and doing random shopping trips, Target, dinner etc.

I have some work friend that are girls, the one I really like has 4 kids though and lives far away. There is another one but I don't know, we seem like we would click but something feels off for me although she is awesome. We have coffee plans after work in Thursday so I guess we'll see. Flower is fun but again 3 kids don't really spell spontaneous and whenever hang outs. Toxic wants to get sushi tomorrow night and drinks. Should I go? Whats that saying, loose lips sink ships? Hmmm

God I miss the Israeli. It's unfucking believable. I miss his face, his body, his lips, his hair, the way we fall asleep together, his smell. Here is something so embarrassing, I smell his deodorant and wear it because it reminds me of him. I have forgone my lovely dove deodorant because I just want to feel close to him and I LOVE the scent. I know it is only 34 more days but I am starting to get antsy. We talk everyday and all I can picture is getting to pick him up from the airport. Will we hug and kiss like crazy when I see him. Should I park or wait outside with the car? I am dying to just lay down and watch him watch seinfeld and breathe him in. To suffocate myself in his chest when he sleeps and holds me.

People are always surprised at how I adore him and am still so giddy about him but I say, why the fuck not? I will thank god if I can always feel this way. Excited to see him every time, loving him, and genuinely appreciating him. The man who lets me do anything, be anyone, respects me and would never ask of me what he wouldn't do for me himself.

He has beautiful brown eyes, dark brown/black hair that is perfectly soft and shiny and falls in soft waves when long and looks hot short, tall (6 ft), lean and muscular, the softest lips and skin, the gentlest touch yet firm enough to reassure me. The best thing though about his, his heart. If you ask anyone to ddescribe him the first thing, before that fact he is extremely hansom and funny is that he has a good heart. When that is the first thing you can think of about a person that person is something special.

Okay enough sappy stuff, something cool this week I found on ancestry.com this week. My mother came from Italy when she was a little girl and I found the original passengers list of the ship when she came over. It had her name, my uncle and my grandmas. I found my grandfather's too from 2 years earlier. Amazing.
I also got a passive aggressive email from my dad in North Carolina about how the original family last name (before he changed it something totally white so as not to be though of as Spanish) has some jewish origins which would matter since as he put it...well here is the email....

" This is my last e-mail to you so you don't need to worry about answering it. I just wanted to pass on some information that might be of interest to you. I have been doing research on my father's family and it turns out that the name XXXXXX has always been a name of jewish origin. As you know my father's family came from Spain and Portugal. The name is Sephardic Jew in origin (family geneology.com). I am quite certain The Isralei could tell you more. I understand that Israel does not recognize civil marriages only religious jewish ones so I thought this might be of interest. As I have not spoken to your mother since your brother's wedding I do not expect to hear from her either. In the future please feel free to contact me via e-mail and if that method is too uncomfortable for you then simply speak to your brother.
As always
First inital. Last name"

So yeah. Love the passive aggressive. If I could trace my roots back to a jewish woman that would be great but unlikely. I am wondering if it is wrong to try and be nice to see if he could help me since my mom's side of the family is italian for hundreds of years back.

Well, off to bed. Bella is sleeping on the chair with me (well behind me) and is letting me know we need to hit the bed. A quick shower and I should sleep well after the wine.

Oh yeah, as for the title, I must adore him because I sent a package today to him that cost me $158 to ship!! I wanted to make sure he got it before he goes to Thailand and fed ex is better and more reliable through customs then the post office. I do adore him....

I’ve got a way of knowing when something is right

2008-01-06T10:53:00.000-08:00

What a crazy week it has been. A lot of ups and downs. New Years was quiet. Saw some friends and went home early. Last year was a lot more fun but c'est la vie. The Isreali was feeling really bad from his surgery and apparently lost like 10 lbs, which since he is already thin, is nuts! He sent me a cute email this morning which was nice to wake up to. I am almost half way there. Him being gone definitely makes me emotional in ways I don't realize apparently. (Can we talk about why I am listening to Whitney Houstons 'Where do broken hearts go'?) I have a lot of things going on to focus on and get ready before he comes home though.

Get in shape. He likes my body this way and I don't mind it but I want to lose weight and shape up.
Work out. I am starting to go in the mornings and sometimes after work. I need to go 5-6 days a week.
Eat Better. Went grocery shopping. Shopping cart full of fruits and veggies. Lots of Salad. Oil and Vinegar with Lemon for dressing. Chicken breasts. Sugar Free Jello. Anything low cal and no carbs! Bottled Water and an occasional Diet Coke. Tuna. Boca Burgers. Desperately wanted to add in some Corona or wine but refrained. I guess this means no more Thai take out or Schawarma. *sigh* I could live on pad see eiw and wine.

Apartment. I want to redo the kitchen area. Also the laundry area. I basically want this---> God bless Ikea. inexpensive, easy, and looks organized. I am also getting a new rug and we are redoing the tile. Good times. I love new things. I might repaint as well. The red wall in the bedroom is definitely staying though. I think we need a plasma tv in there though. I don;t usually like tv's in bedrooms or maybe that is a leftover from my last relationship. (Remind me to write about that, good god the horror stories!). The Israeli likes to fall asleep to the tv and especially Seinfeld so I think to ensure him falling asleep in bed and not on the sofa, a tv is needed. Besides, laying in bed comfortable and watching shows with The Israeli seems good to me, especially since I think it will increase the amount of sex we're having. With his hours and tendency to fall asleep on the sofa and my work hours, it's not as often as I'd like (but then again, I could do it with him all the time, everyday so....)

I have this big test in March and the books I need to study for are coming on Monday. It's a 305 multiple choice exam. It's an exam to get a license for a business. I want to open this business and first I need to pass this test and then get a name, insurance, etc etc and I can quit my 9-5. I might end up working even more but at least it will be for myself and the Israeli. This field is not something I know anything about but I can study my ass off for the next few months and he can come home and teach me what I don't know. I mean, there are things that a doctor might take a test for but has never actually done so I figure I am book smart and can learn this. Wish me luck. This can be life changing. I want the kind of life where I have a ton of savings, where I can travel, where if I want to go and buy a LV or Dior purse, I can go in and not blink (and still eat the rest of the month). I want to be able to live well, not extravagant but with a few nice things here and there. I am not afraid of hard work, I love it.

Today I need to hit the mall and get a present for Mr. Gucci's bday. I am going to see him and the family later. Love those 2 little girls and his wife, she is like my fashion idol. Every time I wear something she picked out for me I get a million compliments. Plus nobody can find better sales then her. He is a hard person to shop for but we have a nice expensive mall here so I am sure I can find something. I know gift certificates are kind of impersonal but he is a very picky person.

I really need to do a survey for this. And start commenting on all the blogs I read.

2007-12-31T23:27:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year.

No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all

2007-12-30T09:02:00.000-08:00

This is either going to be a lazy sunday for me or a super productive one. I haven't decided yet. I need to wash all my clothes, put new sheets on the bed, grocery shop, organize paperwork, dust, blah blah blah. I want to watch crappy sunday tv, cuddle with bella, and Chinese take out. Actually, I want to go shopping but it's freezing outside so unless I convince myself to go and then do groceries after, who knows. I have practically nothing in my fridge so I am sure like 4 hours from now I will go.

I watched Superbad with Lior last night. We texted some girl who was hitting on him at his job that day. H heeds to get laid so even though he didn't find her attractive, I told him he could just turn her around and only see her back. He was super honest with her about a one night thing and she was down with that soo...maybe tonight he will be getting laid. I haven't smoked in a year so that was kind of relaxing. I generally don't care to but on the other hand am not opposed.

The Isreali and I got into a bit of a fight. Apparently saying "um hi" means I have attitude. He told me "you have an attitude. You can call me tomorrow" and hung out and when I called back, didn't answer. Nice. I understand he had surgery and is cranky but he has never done that and would be soooo pissed if I did that. I hate how fights long distance get so blown out of proportion and even the make up will be lackluster. *sigh* I wish he was home. He is my 'missing piece'. His prescence gives me motivation, security, he is fun and laughs and warmth and when I met him, somehting insude me changed. I grew up, learned more compassion, thoughtfulness, how to love and be a better friend. I also learned he is the best kisser and my favorite place in the world is anywhere with him and Bella between us.

Did I mention I lost my hair dryer? I hate when I put something in a place I am sure I'll remember and then later have absolutely no idea. Still in search of it after 4 days. I keep picturing Bella trying to drag it and hide it somewhere.

New winter jacket from Michael Kors. Keeps me warm so I'm happy.

Bella will be attending Doggie Day care this week. A small dog only facility open 7am to 7pm. Owner seems really kind and they offer a free day to see how the dog likes it. Bella needs to be more social with dogs and a lot of chihuahuas go, so this should be good for her while the Israeli is gone and I work all day. It's only $20 a day and a brand new facility so I am hopeful.

Having Bella to cuddle and talk to and play with and just come home to really helps being by myself. Wit the Israeli gone, it's lonely to come home to an empty house but Bella waiting for me with hugs and kisses and such excitement makes me forget that.

So I am going to finish watching 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' and wonder where the hell Glitter is.

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod...

2007-12-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

Go see Juno. Right now. Stop reading and see this movie. I fell in love with it. Glitter, Armenian, and I went. It was the right songs, the right emotions, the right lines, the timing was impeccable. Nothing could be better about it. It made me like Jennifer Garner which I didn't think was possible. I liked Ellen Page in Hard Candy and she made me love her again her even though it took me time to adjust to her small size. Michael Cera..who doesn't love him? He is the kind of guy all girls love. A Jake Ryan type if you will. Very rare. So go see this movie because with all the crap out there, when a movie this touching and real comes along, you have to support it so they make more. (There was a preview for a movie with Matthew 'shortarms' Mcconaughey and kate 'cheating in a marriage is ok' hudson and who the hell wants to see that garbage??)

Side note. Woke up and worked out this morning. Wow. Good time on the elliptical, my favorite machine. I want to lose some weight and tone up and surprise the Israeli. 53 more days without his smile, arms around me, not being able to kiss his back when we sleep. *le sigh* Could I miss him any more then I do? Don't think so but even for a movie like this, Glitter is THE perfect movie buddy. I am excited for the next few days.

Oh my god. How could I forgot. To Promote 27 Dresses they had a girl very similar looking to Katherine Heigel wearing this dress!! She was just standing there is the same pose while mostly creepy guys sat and stared. She freaked me out because she was so still from the back she looked like a mannequin and then all of a sudden moved bit and I jumped, grabbing onto Glitter. I wonder if they are doing this everywhere and for how long. We were at a 9:55 show and she was there so damn, long day!! Let me know if anyone else sees this....

Joy to the world...and holidays being over!

2007-12-26T18:05:00.000-08:00

First, I am proud of myself for going to the gym today. My brother gave me new New Balance pants, top, and shoes, so I was ready to go. I know the whole thing about if you want to work out, you just will no matter what, but I need cute clothes. I now have my cute sky blue sports tank top and cute black workout pants and the breast cancer awareness shoes (although fyi: the #1 killer of women and men in america is heart disease). I did a 45 minute workout after work my mom and came home to hang out and wait for Glitter.

The Weekend
Wake up at 5.
Get to Airport at 6:00.
7:45 flight cancelled.
Finally get on 9:40 flight that leaves around 10:30.
Get to the grandparents around 1:30.
Awful bbq. Amazing Family.
Last minute gifts and bed by 9.
Wake up 10:30.
Bro and Wifey come.
Gifts. (yay $400 to Ikea, body scrubs, and New Balance gear)
Airport at 4:30.
$35 first class upgrade.
Man across the aisle puking the whole time.
Left plane. Puked myself.
Home at 12:30 in -18 degree weather.

X-Mas Eve Day
Akward.
Mom is the best.
Gramma too.
Aunts are insane.
Thank god its over.
Next holidya is Easter which I am already opting out of.

Baby It's Cold Outside...

2007-12-25T11:42:00.000-08:00

Tonight I will come home and let you know about my weekend and holidays. Should I start with the man with the stomach flu on my plane ride home? The childish emails from my estranged "father"? The 70lb labrador named Jeebus? I don't know but it will be writing with a glass of wine, my favorite blanket, and my favorite embarassing songs playing. Right now I will rush to get dressed and do Christmas day dinner with my Italian side of the family. Yesterday involved no alcohol so I am desperately hoping for some wine at this dinner.

(Side note: Right now I am missing the Israeli. He had some surgery done and I wish I could be there with him but I know he is okay because he is with his mom. Maybe it's listening to "Baby, it's cold outside" but the wintertime is lonesome without him to spend it with and so are family dinners...)

The weather outside is frightful but I'm so delightful ;)

2007-12-20T16:13:00.000-08:00

What a week this has been. First off, my work started blocking all blog sites. You can be on a site and the next day *boom* blocked. I used to be able to get AIM, any blog, any site. Then AIM was gone which I understood and then perez hilton. Now after 3 months they have blocked all my favorite blogs!! They even blocked gmail! Thank god I can at least listen to my Ipod while I work and ignore the short and extremely loud 'team leader' that sits across from me. Honestly, the man is sooo loud and talks from the moment he gets in to the moment he leaves. Today we learned this interesting tidbit: "Man, I'm trying to find shoes but it's so hard. I'm too small for the men's shoes and too big for the kids. Why can't they make a size 7". Everyone around me burst out laughing, trying to picture this guy in the kids shoe section trying on spiderman gym shoes or something, and he had no idea since his back is to us.

Glitter is home and that has been amazing (target and bakers square and trashy reality tv). Tonight we are going to do some shopping and tomorrow some more shopping. It keeps my mind off the Israeli being gone. I called him today and we talked while he was going back to his town from Tel Aviv. When I hear his voice sometimes I don't know what to say becaue I just miss him being here and like to know he's there. I know we don't have to talk everyday, there are generally no big updates and the calls can get expensive if we talk everyday for 2 months but I don't care. I think I'll send him some pictures soon of me and Bella. (Thanks Valley Girl for the comment!). Bella has been the biggest help though. All week keeping me warm at night and waking me up with face stares and cuddles. Definitely getting her something new tonight. Maybe a sweater or boots? It's cold here!!!

I need to finish my Christmas shopping for the family. Dad's grandparents get wine.com subscription for a year. 2 bottles of wine a month for a year from all over the world. Someone please feel free to get me that! Need a few things for my little cousin and Mom's mom. She gets the usual gift card but this year I am adding scratch lotto which she loves. Dad gets a Torchwood DVD set which he wants and Bro and Bro's Wifey get gift cards. Bella will be giving her cousin Jeebus and Aunt Fiona something from Petsmart becuase she's a sweetheart like that.

I can't wait till after X-mas to shop and fix up the apartment. The Isreali loves this place and has made it pretty clear we are not moving. Since he never asks for anything, I can stay here for him. It's a cute place in a great neighborhood but small. For a man that has so many designer jeans, shirts, shoes etc I don't know how he doesn't mind the size but ok. I am getting a new dining room table, a new side table/chest, big floor rug, new bedsheets and some random accessories. When it's all done I will post pics. When he comes back, it's going to be a whole new place. The bedroom it basically done and has been for a while. I love my one red wall (ala Big in Sex and the City). We have low lighting in there and it's a very relaxing room to sleep and do other things....

Oh! Glitter just called and is ready to go. I think later tonight after a hot shower I am going to do a mememe/survey thing.

Saturday night's all right for....blogging?

2007-12-15T22:10:00.000-08:00

Saturday night. Snowing like crazy. Nothing on tv. Husband out of the country. What's a girl to do? Well, I will be reading Training for Toy Dog magazine but that's because I like to look at the dogs and see which ones look like Bella. I played with her in the show a bit and she had a great time.

I have Lovers of The Arctic Circle recorded and that is a good watch. Actually, it is an excellent film from 1998 that made me cry. The characters, the filming, and the fact that I love a good subtitled movie. Two lovers who met at the age of 8 and had their lives entwined along with the message of coincidences and the idea of circles. It is simply a hauntingly beautiful film I ran across late one night on IFC. The actor who plays the male lead was apparently also in Bad Education which I have wanted to watch, so maybe I will put it in my blockbuster que. That's right, I am into Blockbuster and not Netflix. The thing is, it really is convenient to go to the store and exchange movies. I can have 3 movie from the mailer that I return in the store for 3 new movies and they will still send me 3 in the mail, I can have 6 movies at once! Which...now seems a little excessive but the Israeli and I love watching movies.

This was a HARD week without the Israeli. Thank god Glitter have her best friend esp on and even though she in the middles of law school finals took a few hours to listen to me bawl my eyes out. It is times like that that you know you your real friends are. Now her I have never questioned but my friends who actually live by me, I was severely disappointed in. Let me give you some back story on the girls I spent high school with. A Catholic high school with uniforms and only 180 girls from freshmen to senior year. Here are the Plaid Skirts:

Irish-passive aggressive girl who spends a huge amount of time with her family because she can't say not. preppy and very cute but dates the same idiot for the last 5 years or so. doesn't live with him, has no plans to, and break up more then they are together.

Audrina 2.0-Basically acts just like Audrina from the Hills. good heart, pretty, ditzy, needs to learns lesson for herself, likes douchebags.

Big L-variation of her actual nickname. big bitch. fun to hang out but can turn on you in 2 seconds. good for adventures but not always reliable. smart and focused. dating a girl but can't decide if she is even bi. love/hate friendship. currently love.

Spacey-the dumbest smart girl you ever met. ivy league educated. no common sense. lesbian dating the most annoying ugly girl ever. working drunk. once said "target, isn't that where you buy gifts for poor people". apparently a selective toilet flusher. used to be my absolute best friend in the world, we ever had a 3 way together.

M2-friend by association. nice. neither here nor there for me. fucking Irish's friend and also has the most adorable long distance bf. yeah.

Xmeth-over achiever. ivy league schools. ex meth head. friends with the clintons. dates a psych resident who keeps her on pills.

So this is a sample of the girls I went to school with and am "friends" with. I am still fairly close with 2.0 but the others, I am not putting any effort into anymore. They complain about all of us not hanging out but they make no effort. They bitch about the same men for years. Now we all can have that ex that never quite stays an ex but go have some interesting fucks or flings or something!! You would think that since they all knew the Israeli was leaving they would call me to see how I was doing, but not once call. When I talked to Irish tonight she completely glossed over that topic. I don't think they need to act like it is a big deal to them but come on, one of your " best friends" husband is going away for 2 months and you can't even say "oh that sucks, I'm sorry" or something? Glitter was there like a champ and Flower called me the day he left, invited me over, and has called me everyday. I spent last night there for shabbat dinner and they made sure I was good. I have known the Plaid Skirts for almost 10 years and Flower for 2 and that is how they act. IT definitely hurts but I remember now why I stopped speaking to them and being close for a few years. Because they would rather be passive aggressive and fake then just be honest with each other. Spacey and Irish were roommates and that was one hot mess that they were both so pass/ass about that they sent complaints through friends and moved out without talking face to face. Anyways....

An empty bed and a sad heart is what I am working with but I am trying to stay positive. Working out on Monday with Ukraine. She is a work friend and this will be out first out of work excursion so let's hope it goes well. Glitter is here Tuesday and on Wednesday I am having a purse party. This should be very interesting. Also some Gramma time this week. I have the most adorable Italian gramma (say it without the 'd'). We had a 3 hour talk sesh tonight because she is awesome like that.

So here I am at 1:31 am with my blanket from the Israeli, Bella wrapped in it at my feet, and there is a very appropriate Dashboard Confessional song playing.

You'll be leaving for the winter, but I won't see that it's true
It's the right thing for you, but it's tough to be moved
With the holiday spirit, when to tell you the truth
I had big plans for Christmas, and high hopes for you.

I want you here by my side!
Cold nights
and fires
and white wine
And dreams of holidays have come, but I'll wait for spring to bring you to me
Only gift that I need.

I'll be living off your phone calls and your letters and your post cards
Every single word is like a secret wish come true
Who cares if were apart for the big days
It's the small ones that made me fall in love with you (fall in love with you).

You want a piece of me?

2007-12-12T16:29:00.000-08:00

I thought I had given up all hope of liking anything about Britney Spears but I was wrong! I don't know if I would classify it as "good" but I love her new song "You want a piece of me". It's nothing as fast or catchy as her old hits and the continous medium slow tempo throughout the song conjours up images of her mtv disaster, I cannot stop listening to it as I get up in the morning. Love her or hate her, she's right when she says " 'Miss "American Dream' Since I was 17". Since the Israeli is gone my teenage love for pop music has apparently resurfaced. With the Spice Girls back together, how could I not though? Love me some Spice girls. Or are they Spice Mama's now?

Speaking of mama's, my babygirl Bella is being wild today. I just bought her $75 worth of toys to keep her busy while I work and the Isralei is gone. That's right, when it comes to my pet I am a bit obnoxious. She is a spoiled baby but she walks, I don't carry her and she only wears clothes when it's cold and she is going outside. She has only 1 dress which I swear she loves!

I found Bella though Petfinder which is an amazing website. It is a place where you can find the pet you want, whether it be a dog, cat, horse, rabbit, etc and be saving an animal at the same time. The website is not for breeders and instead lets shelters and rescues lists the animals that need to be rescued.

I knew I was looking for small chihuahua but I didn't want a puppy mill dog so when I found Petfinder I was thrilled. I looked everyday for about a month and the day before Thanksgiving last year I saw this little blurry furball of a dog, 6 hours away from me. I quickly called the rescue and made an appointment to see her for that Satuday. Taking the Israeli's sister, Boots, we drove though cornfields to get her. The second I held Bella, that was it. I paid for her and proceeded to drive another 6 hours straight home. Mind you, Boots doesn't know how to drive, the cell phone died and we had no charger, and got lost in the backwoods to drive down a gravel and dirt road through a forest preserve to find this shelter. Getting back was a little faster but it was still crazy. Bella used to be able to come to my old job with me. She would sit on my desk, run around the office and was everybody's baby. Thank god for all the socialization because I definitely did not want a chihuahua that was biting people from my arms. Anyone who is looking for a pet should definitely try it.

Today was a hard day for me because, while at work it hit me the Israeli was gone. He has a phone number there and is with his family and he sounds so amazing and cute and happy on the phone, that when I talked to him the second time today I basically broke down. In my cubicle. With at least 5 immediate people able to see and hear me. I had to hang up quickly with him letting him think it was work because I don't need him to worry about me while he's over there. Because that's the kind of person he is. He always worries about me and wants to make sure I'm okay and right now it's 'him' time. Besides it's only been a few days, I give myself a week or 2 more and then he can worry and comfort me but I'll probably be doing that for him.

So after I started to tear up I went into the stairwell, called my good friend Flower and made plans to come over tonight to see her and he husband and kids. Her husband was my old boss and we're all very close.I am actually forgoing watching ANTM to go over and instead will watch it tonight on the dvr. I like to watch some thing after they've been recorded so I can fast forward though the commercials and suspenseful parts and get to see who wins. I am hoping for Chantal and not Saleish/Tooty or Jenah bigteeth.

'The joy in life is not in hearing the words "I love you," but in being lucky enough to say them.'

2007-12-11T08:02:00.001-08:00

The Israeli left yesterday morning for Israel. 2 months. 70 days. the longest we've ever been apart was 2 weeks, talking at least 3-4 times a day. Since he hasn't been home in 2.5 years, it's definitely understandable the amount of time he's taking. Plus he is meeting his 2 best friends in Thailand for 2 weeks. One friend is coming from China and the other from Vienna. Lucky boys. If my best friend Glitter, who lives in Cali, and I could meet anywhere in the world for 3 weeks you bet your ass I would be excited, even if it was in the middle of nowhere cornfields. I used to think we were like Melissa and Coral (which we are) but we are also like Christina and Cameron from The Sweetest Thing. Straightforward, sassy, trendy but classic, always causing trouble somewhere and laughing the whole time.

Glitter and I have been best friends since we were 7 years old in plaid jumpers and dominating the AYSO soccer league. She was the coolest kid I knew and introduced me to Cosmo and Seventeen when we should have still been reading Highlights! She was the 3rd grader reading Gone with the Wind in the library with me and probably having no idea what was going on but still being badass to finish it and do an intelligent book report while other kids were reading Boxcar children (which we still loved). From our high school escapades with public school boys *gasp* to other prep school boys and even a marine, we remained like sisters. She is beautiful, amazing, intelligent, funny, straight forward, sincere, and coming home in one week! She is engaged to the Armenian who adores her, as he should. She is a 2nd year law school student kicking ass and always having the most unique Halloween costumes. This is the 2nd New Year's Eve she will have been home in a long time and I am so grateful. The Israeli leaving is probably the most un-fun thing that has happened to me this year (besides the restraining order against my stalker ex bf but thats another story) and Glitter coming is definitely the most fun thing, even better then a 3 week FL vacation or my first trip to Vegas!

Back to the Israeli leaving. I have his cell phone with me in case anyone calls for his job, etc. He will get a phone while he is over there to all from so for now I get to be constantly asked why I have 2 phones. Now being alone for a determined amount of time isn't too bad. His ticket back is booked and I can do a countdown on my new chihuahua calendar I got for $1 at the Target dollar spot. So thats a plus. If I don't feel like cleaning for a night, no one will notice but me...and the dog but she's half the mess so she won't tell. I can always be the one to choose what to eat or watch to watch on tv. I never have to share the blanket and I can pee with the bathroom door open. All these are good things and for a while I will definitely joy enjoy the perks of pseudo singledom. After about 2-3 weeks, the missing him begins to get full force. Who is going to bring me home dinner when I am watching my ANTM marathons? I start to miss watching Seinfeld non stop for hours every day and even sharing the blanket starts to bring back fond memories of tugging and ending up with our legs entwined, the dog between us. Sleeping alone and waking up when Bella barks at invisible strangers isn't as cute when there is no one to grab on to and feel safe with (in my top notch neighborhood on a street between 2 synagogues.) I actually will miss bringing him his McDonald's Sweet Tea which they just introduced in the north after he got obsessed with it during his southern travels. 70 days. Now only 69. My countdown continues and I can't wait for the next time I hear his voice and the paperclip in gmail telling me I have an attachment which means pics of his homeland, his friends, and his beautiful smile.

Where I’m from we live like it’s the latest attraction

2007-10-30T09:43:00.001-07:00

a little background about me
i grew up in an Italian family on one side, and 2 gay dads on the other.
i attended mostly catholic schools.
i was kicked out of CCD before confirmation.
i have an insane ex bf who i had to get a restraining order from.
i married the most amazing guy who is Israeli.
i have an insanely adorable chihuahua.
i have no filter from my brain to my mouth, i just say anything.
i was a wild child but in a good way.
i work in the typical cubicle office job.
my best friend lives in California.
i want to learn to read and speak Hebrew.
i am studying for a huge exam in march which may or may not change my life.
i love quotes and song lyrics.
this is enough of the about me.
i am just going to random though my entries.
ready. set. go.