letter to the israeli

hey

I just wanted to tell you i miss you. bella is good. look at this funny picture. they have it in a shirt, i want to buy it, it's so funny. also the new iphone is going to be out in a few weeks so i am going to get one i think, did you want one too? dori's brother is here. he's pretty nice actually. alot like dori it seems, so pretty funny and nice. i am pretty excited because i am seeing this singer i like, liz phair this week at the vic. i have never sing her and she is singing her first album from like, 10 years ago. actually you like one song by her. soo....

I realized I can say anything I want to you. I don't even have to be embarrassed because you won't be home for 2 months.
So here are some things. I think about you at the most quiet and random times. When I read something beautiful or hear the perfect song. Things around the house. Pita and Chocolate. Sometimes I see something funny and want to tell only you. You really are my best friend. I think things are always better just knowing you're always a drive away. You have a great smile and I like how well you know me. I like that you are smart and good and that you really want the best for people. I met you in July of 06 so it's about 2 years now. These have been the best 2 years for me. I have grown so much as a person, really changed for the better, and you have been the biggest reason. You became my best friend who I know I will always know. We have Bella who is the most unbelievable dog. Life, though has had some bad times, has overall been amazing and we have only grown as people. My mom says you can get better or bitter in life, so it's good to get better.

I was thinking, which I know you hate lol, but I really have learned a lot from you. I learned forgiveness is something, that when you mean it, isn't hard at all. I can honestly say I have nothing in my heart but good feelings towards you. I am really excited for you to come home and hang out again and go to school and see movies and hopefully just have a good time.

No matter what, for whatever it's worth, you are in my thoughts and heart. I know you wish for me to be happy and find someone, and I am sure I will. You just have to remember, for someone to matter to me they have to live up to the standards you have set and they are just really high. A person like you doesn't just come along everyday. Incredibly good and fair, kind, smart, sexy lol, with the best smile and heart and funny too. So, I am learning patience to find what God has in store for me. I kind of learned the other night, that well, people you love should be bring out the best in you. I saw the worst in myself the when I was with a friend of mine and I hated how I was acting. Seriously, so rude and bitchy and just...I wasnt happy. You bring out the best in me. I pray and know that I will meet someone who is going to do that to me and love and and I am sure when I am ready God will provide for me. I know God has a plan for all of us and sometimes we just have to look at the bigger picture to understand. It helps with hard times.

But anyways, I promise, I know you know there's a part of me that will always just love you in a way I know you don't want but I promise you I am going to make that go away so when you come back, well you won't have to worry that I will misunderstand anything and we can hang out like we used to.

Don't get mad but I already applied for you atcollege and am seeing what you need to do and stuff to be ready if you want to do school in the fall. I will stop if you want but I just want to make sure if you really want to go that it's ready for you. It's easier to start and cancel then to wait too long.

This is long so I'll say one more thing and be done. I hope the best for you. I have you in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I always wish for you to be happy, find yourself, and love yourself the way I love you and Bella does, and all your family. Never doubt how special you are and amazing and don't sell yourself short. I know you will do great things in life. You already have. I hope you come back tan and happy and I can't wait to give you a huge hug at the airport.

love
me

I saw my Israeli boy band yesterday. I call them that because they are a group of 5 great looking nice guys that are always together and each are different but go together perfectly. Hung out, they cooked, I broke a plastic fork trying to cut something in front of them which was basically mortifying but I got over it fast.

Work is going better. A faster computer has decreased my workload by about half so that is great.

I had a great time with my friends mom yesterday who is orthodox and answered a lot of my questions about conversion. I am getting serious. Next step, picking a Rabbi to sponsor me.

Clean and clear morning burst is actually pretty amazing. I use the moisturizer too. Absolutely amazing and does wake you up in the morning.

I am missing Eli but the separation is okay. It;s hard to imagine him half way around the world doing so much I will never know, understand, even know about. Being in the house without him is weird again. I can understand why he always slept on the sofa. Without him here, the bedroom doesn't hold much appeal for me. More then anything I still miss sleeping with him. I hope everything is going well. I am not going to call or email him, I am giving him space and I don't need any problems with his psycho gf.

Here is my list of things that are important for me to do.

1) finish degree. fuck philosophy, i am going to do the easiest major at my college and get a communications degree. philosophy i will minor in or study for fun only
2) orthodox conversion. recognized in Israel.
3)travel
4)learn hebrew
5)lose 25lbs by my birthday in august.

I had a semi hook up with an old friend on saturday night. not much changes. he is hot and comfortable.

and cums in 10 seconds.

but this happens to me a lot, guys cum fast. apparently i give a good bj.

i wonder if i convert will i have a different view on sex? sometimes i think how it doesn't bother me to let the people i like touch me. i dont see it as bad. i mean tony and i have a 9 year history. sometime hooking up with him, or some of my ex's/friends, its becomes neither here nor there. just something i enjoy and like more then i mind, ya know? i told miami that i don't want to talk to him much anymore. it is more of a bother then a jyo and he wont be back here for a few months and i just wasn't feeling what i wanted to feel. i know the feleings i have had and i am not settling for less when i am happy alone.

this madonna song 'jump' is not bad.

The Heart of the Matter (India Arie Version)

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore

I talked to the Israeli today. I hate calling him the Israeli. I'll call him by his middle name, Eli. I sent his sis an email telling him to call me or let me know he was okay because he didn't talk to me when he arrived in Israel on Tuesday. He called me and he was really nice. His mom liked the gifts I got her, a framed hamsa with flowers and a nice candle box holder for shabbat in blue. They do Shabbat on Fridays and I want her to have something that she can think of me and know I respect and love her and their family.

I know I should absolutely not care but when he calls me baby, I kind of melt a bit. Since Feb, I have had sex with 2 people, gone out with 3, had guys really like me, kiss me, do everything I wish he would have but all that has mattered is the feel of his mouth on my skin, his words in my heart, his lips on mine. One night in 4 months, only days before he left and the memory of anyone else has been erased. The hanging out, the way we can look at each other and know everything. I just need to remember that he left here to be with his crazy gf (who tattooed his name, ugh!).

I might go to the pool tomorrow with a friend and I have a brunch to go to. Also seeing friends on Sunday and I need to go to the library, bank, city hall for a bogus ticket, and grocery shopping.

Also I ran a party for about twenty 8 year olds. A hula Hawaiian themed party. We were the skirts and lei necklaces, flowers in our hair. It was actually pretty fun. I need to figure my life out and then i can;t wait to have kids, when I meet the right person.

What should I blog about?

I cut 3 inches off my hair. I rented 27 Dresses and Becoming Jane. I need a vibrator. I had thai food. I need to feel that spark for someone besides Eli. I need to stop blogging when I'm half awake....

Glitter is meant to be my best friend. Besides the fact we both have parents with the same names, brothers in the same grade, and loved magic nursery babies and leggings. Not to mention when we would harass the oldies station to play 'Judy's Turn to Cry'. Today, the fact that we both were seperately wikipeding Fleetwood Macs 'Rumour's' shows how we awesome we truly are. Fucking badass. I love things like that. When you are thinking of someone and the second you do, they call or text.

Today I got a new computer at work. Woo Woo or whatever. I wore cute leggings and a teal dress thing from Caché.

Okay so I love podcasts. I love sleep more.

More tomorrow.

Been a long time, Shouldn't have left ya...

I finally have Internet back at home and can blog again. My work blocks all blogging sites and I have never felt comfortable blogging at my friends. I think maybe I would at Glitter's but haven't had the chance yet *cough*invitemetosanfran*cough

Life has had some up's and down but mainly for me life has been good.

The Israeli left again today for Israel. Another few months. We'll see.

Glitter was here recently for a wonderful vacation. We saw Paul Van Dyk at Vision. Last night we spent 2 hours talking on the phone while wikipeding and looking at what weird sex toys the Israeli apparently bought. Also some whoreanus over priced steve madden shoes and then the fabulous michael kors ones she just got.

Sometimes when I'm at work I put ideas in Microsoft word about things I want to blog about. Or my favorite things. Things like "Dan in Real Life", my current obsession with Bob Dylan, quoting Ladybugs with Glitter "I took my girlfriend's son, put him in a dress, and made him play with my balls" Rodney Dangerfield and Jonathan Brandis, how we miss you.

I moved to my own apt but while the Israeli is gone I am back at "home", well home according to my GPS which I cannot figure out how to change.

I also love the Jesse McCartney song "Leavin" and Kanye West and Estelle's "American Boy".

I love reading the Torah/Old Testament.

I bought the most amazing pair of shorts ever and I NEVER wear shorts.

Thank god for nice breasts. Halter + those short +peep toe heels=hot summer look

How could I forgot. I have had sex and a lot of but only a month ago. My whole 24 years I have only in the last year met guys that love licking vag. I mean seriously love it. I haven't had to go down on a guy in ages, which I like, except to the Israeli which we both love and that was only 1 time. These 2 guys, LA and Miami are both crazy about me and from Israel. They could potentially know each other because they work in the same industry but so far have stayed on separate coasts. I also let a lawyer make out with me for a while but once I got off, I was like oops I'm useless now and left.

More soon, I swear!!!

Also. I LOVE him!!!!

touch my body

The Israeli: Hey, the kitchen is dirty.
Me: Yeah....as dirty as your girlfriends vagina.

That has been the tone of the week. Fighting. I realize I have not lost him only as a lover but even as a friend. bah. Enough about him right now.

Things I Love Right Now
mariah carey-touch my body
leona lewis
my new kenneth cole jacket
america's next top models whitney and lauren
purim parties
blogging more
tanning on lunch breaks
dancing
joyce carol oates
dan in real life

I bought some cute new tops so Saturday night i want to to go dancing.

I have been a lot of joyce carol oates and have been loving her. Right now I am on 'We Were the Mulvaney's' which has also been made into a lifetime movie.

I would also like to point out I am so sexually frustrated. No sex for months. I need a new vibrator. None of my old fuck buddies are very appealing. I am not going to have sex unless it is GOOD.*sigh* If anyone has a good vibrator suggestion, let me know. OR wants to send me a tall, dark, handsome, nice guy that would be great too.