why so quiet

i found out the Isreali is cheating on me.

checking his email to print his flight tickets i saw his ex girlfriend emailed him.

apparently not so ex.

since then more emails have come and he is leaving thailand early to spend another week with her.

this i found out from the airlines. calling his american cell phone and asking for her. the emails come in hebrew so they have to be translated.

the first email is how much she loves him and misses him and wants him to spend more time with her in israel. how she is sorry they fought, he was right, and how she loves him. he tells me he did hang out with her but "not like i think" and she is "practically married, living with her boyfriend".

the next email was, "don't worry the airline will not bother your lover anymore". it talks about how she doesn't want to be a in a triangle with him, me, and her. how he is a coward. how she wants to tell him things but she can't say it on the phone. this means while he can't call me in thailand he is calling her. yeah. she tells him they should end it and go on with their lives. he must have sent her something back because about an hour later she says she doesn't care what anyone says, she loves him more then words can say. she includes a picture and tells him not to be jealous the guy is a friend of her aunts.

i sent him an email that i feel pretty good about.

you are not giving me the chance to say this on the phone
i don't know whats going on with you. when they gave you a new nose, they gave you a new heart?
we both know whats going on so don't lie.
i don't want to be lied to and i don't deserve it.
i always thought you respected me. loved me,
don't worry, i know i was not the one you loved but i believed you wouldn't hurt me and you respected me.
i feel like everything i knew, wasn't true.
i am in love with you. you know this. in love, didn't want a life without you.
when you love someone, you want them happy. i want you happy.
i don't make you happy. so be happy. but don't hurt me or people in the process.
stand up for what you want. be kind.
there is not a chance for us to be friends, which is the saddest part of all.
i don't even know if you are planning to come home. or to bring her here. or what is going on.
this is my life too, not just yours.
i am a person with feelings. i deserve respect and the truth.
i know you are going to be in Israel this week. el al let me know.
as a person, a friend, please call me and let's talk.
let's really talk.
maybe I should hate you for all this but it isn't in me.
in the end, you lost out on me. i am a good person. i was a good friend. i am a good woman.
i am sorry for both of us.
i am sorry i believed you wouldn't hurt me. i am sorry i was lied to when you called me. i am sorry i lost my best friend. i am sorry i ever saw that email.
i am sorry you felt lying was better then the truth. i am sad you lost yourself.
the israeli i know is the best person in the world. he was kind and honest and even when it was hard to do, he told the truth.
i honestly sit here and just can't believe this is happening. that you of all people in the world could do this to me.
it hurts to think i am your american girl to do everything and call el al but i got replaced and she became the girl to do it for you.
i was honestly checking your email to print your tickets and call to see if anything had changed and a flight had opened up for you to come back to israel a few days early and see your family. i didn't know it was because you wanted more time with her.
may god be with you and bless you and let you find yourself.
when you come home, i want you to stay somewhere else.
the papers, we will figure out.
its like, i could change the locks...but youre a locksmith. irony.
i could pack your stuff. i could scream. i could try to hurt you like you hurt me.
i just cant. i fucking cant.
i sit here and want to be angry. i think of Vegas and seeing jerry with you. of us on the plane. of fixing the ipod so you could fly okay. when we first met and you weren't scared to kiss me. you have the softest lips and the most amazing kisses. and you never thought i was good enough to deserve them. i was good enough. i think of you sad this summer when i wanted to leave. i think of our life together and why it wasn't enough for you to stay away from a girl who hurt you, yelled at your sister, and never saw how special you were.

for whats it worth, you had my heart and now its broken. i know god will take care of me and i will find someone else who will one day take care of the special person i am. i hope you have found that person for yourself. if she is good to you, i wish you well. make sure she loves you and looks out for you, remembers the way you like your food, buys you things when she thinks of you, make sure you go to the dentist. i am crying now so i am going to go but.......don't think i want to let you go. i want to fight for you. i'm not going to fight for you if you dont want me. i am sorry if i held you back. you made your choice. i hope we can work something out with bella. i know you once told me bella was your weak spot but she is my life, she is whats keeping me from falling apart. she is my reason to wake up, she is the only thing that can make me smile, i need her now that i wont have you. if there is any hope of feelings for me.......dont tell me because i will only have hope on a guy who loves me 2nd best and i deserve to be loved the best. for the way i talk to much and apparently snore and cant cook and hate driving in the snow. in the end, you lost out on a great girl. i lost my best friend.

good luck, fly safe.

when he read it, i happened to be up getting dressed for work and heard the sound that i had a message in my g-chat. he said i made him cry. i was like, yeah you made me cry. he avoided eveything saying he would call me from bankgkok. he talked about a small dog he wishes i could see. that i would like it there. that she was only writing those emails so i would see them. he "told her not to". could he explain why the airline called me looking for me? didnt even try to explain. he says "u and your mind can go places i dont want u to go".

i have been through every emotion. i actually have gotten sick from being so stressed. i can barely eat. i feel naseous most of the time. i am basically in shock. if i ever thought he would cheat, never would it have been with this girl. she was in america all last year begging to see him (she was in texas) and he ignored her. he toild me heoped she dind;t even know he was in israel. over there she lives a few minutes from his house so...yeah. this girl was hated by his friends and family, she was mean, there were together maybe a year or 2, always breaking up. clearly though she has something. he likes how bad she treats him i guess.

i want to forgive him but come on. if his infatuation with her, after now seeing her for 2 years, is this strong, what is the point. he says he wants to be with me but what does that even mean. i don;t know what to do. any advice would be helpful. even if you just read this and enevr comment, or just sutmbled across, this i need help.

i thank god for my friends who have been here for me. i love you glitter, flower, mr gucci. i love my work friends. i love my dog. i love myself. that is the key. i love myself and i know now, i am strong now, through him the past 2 years actually, to know i don't deserve this. but when i think of my life with him, i mourn the loss of our friendship, our love. the israeli who comes back will not be the one i fell in love with.

tell me not to change and always be the same

current mood: lazy

current song: walk way- paula deanda

Craigslist. Love it. Hate it. Everyone has an opinion and has most likely used it, even for curiosity. Myself, it's like chocolate. Very love/hate. I love using it, browsing, reading all the ad's. Free stuff. Pet posts. I have found 2 great jobs through it. Sold some things. Overall, I like it. But there is a whole side of craigslist I hate. I don't understand. GC signed up and kept emailing women. This marred man with 3 young children and a wife he loves and gets along with. Why was he looking for his kicks on there? Was he really not going to not meet anyone? If it is just a game, something to do, just for kicks, how long can you tempt fate? I keep hearing from male friends that it is just for the thrill and not serious but somehow I don't buy it. It might start off that way, a rush just to look, then to email, then to chat, and then eventually you find someone and click, you have met. I think cheating is really fucked up. We all have close encounters, people at work, friends, people you meet with irresistible attraction but to seek it out while in a committed relationship? What. The. Fuck.

I will now admit something. When I am bored, I check my first boyfriends myspace and every so often (one in like6 months) his old email. I know I shouldn't but come on! the boy hasn't changed his password in like8 years. It is purely become like fiction for me. I don't check his bank account or fuck with his emails, I don;t really do anything. We actually talk once in a while and I thought he has had a gf for over a year he had settled down but no. He has a cheating problem. Still. Did then and hasn't stopped. I saw tonight that about 2 weeks ago he had emailed the craigslist personals . A "curvy girl looking for fun". Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with men. I'm sorry but sex on the damn Internet is just..fine for single people and even very enjoyable but cheating is cheating, Internet or in person.

I know people are going to be like 'way to go snoop' but who wouldn't do that when they are bored? Or will my occasional snoop then let someone tell me an occasional craigslist peek is ok? Yes I think a look is fine. Look all you damn want it's the emailing and chatting and talking and stuff that is sick. Would it be okay for me to change his password or email his gf and let her know? Not cool. I know I shouldn't even snoop at all and maybe this admission will cure me of the occasional peek. Ugh.

I am all for online dating though. Myself I have met some great people, some best friend,s had some pretty good sex, and have never really had a bad experience. Well. I met MF off it but it also was true his ex gf dated my ex bf and was the girl cheated on me with so. Should have seen that coming I guess. Sigh. I have had friends meet people off jdate and christiansingles and end up getting married so those seem to work well. Don;t know any lasting myspace hookups or facebook. No craigslist ones either.

Okay time to end my rant and dry my hair. Since I've been writing this, Bella was curled up in a blanket in my lap, giving em the "mama lets go to sleep" look. She is amazing. She woke me up this morning when I had turned my alarm off accidentally instead of hitting snooze. She would stare at me, lick me twice ad nuzzle me until I was up. Thanks for not making me late baby!