why so quiet

i found out the Isreali is cheating on me.

checking his email to print his flight tickets i saw his ex girlfriend emailed him.

apparently not so ex.

since then more emails have come and he is leaving thailand early to spend another week with her.

this i found out from the airlines. calling his american cell phone and asking for her. the emails come in hebrew so they have to be translated.

the first email is how much she loves him and misses him and wants him to spend more time with her in israel. how she is sorry they fought, he was right, and how she loves him. he tells me he did hang out with her but "not like i think" and she is "practically married, living with her boyfriend".

the next email was, "don't worry the airline will not bother your lover anymore". it talks about how she doesn't want to be a in a triangle with him, me, and her. how he is a coward. how she wants to tell him things but she can't say it on the phone. this means while he can't call me in thailand he is calling her. yeah. she tells him they should end it and go on with their lives. he must have sent her something back because about an hour later she says she doesn't care what anyone says, she loves him more then words can say. she includes a picture and tells him not to be jealous the guy is a friend of her aunts.

i sent him an email that i feel pretty good about.

you are not giving me the chance to say this on the phone
i don't know whats going on with you. when they gave you a new nose, they gave you a new heart?
we both know whats going on so don't lie.
i don't want to be lied to and i don't deserve it.
i always thought you respected me. loved me,
don't worry, i know i was not the one you loved but i believed you wouldn't hurt me and you respected me.
i feel like everything i knew, wasn't true.
i am in love with you. you know this. in love, didn't want a life without you.
when you love someone, you want them happy. i want you happy.
i don't make you happy. so be happy. but don't hurt me or people in the process.
stand up for what you want. be kind.
there is not a chance for us to be friends, which is the saddest part of all.
i don't even know if you are planning to come home. or to bring her here. or what is going on.
this is my life too, not just yours.
i am a person with feelings. i deserve respect and the truth.
i know you are going to be in Israel this week. el al let me know.
as a person, a friend, please call me and let's talk.
let's really talk.
maybe I should hate you for all this but it isn't in me.
in the end, you lost out on me. i am a good person. i was a good friend. i am a good woman.
i am sorry for both of us.
i am sorry i believed you wouldn't hurt me. i am sorry i was lied to when you called me. i am sorry i lost my best friend. i am sorry i ever saw that email.
i am sorry you felt lying was better then the truth. i am sad you lost yourself.
the israeli i know is the best person in the world. he was kind and honest and even when it was hard to do, he told the truth.
i honestly sit here and just can't believe this is happening. that you of all people in the world could do this to me.
it hurts to think i am your american girl to do everything and call el al but i got replaced and she became the girl to do it for you.
i was honestly checking your email to print your tickets and call to see if anything had changed and a flight had opened up for you to come back to israel a few days early and see your family. i didn't know it was because you wanted more time with her.
may god be with you and bless you and let you find yourself.
when you come home, i want you to stay somewhere else.
the papers, we will figure out.
its like, i could change the locks...but youre a locksmith. irony.
i could pack your stuff. i could scream. i could try to hurt you like you hurt me.
i just cant. i fucking cant.
i sit here and want to be angry. i think of Vegas and seeing jerry with you. of us on the plane. of fixing the ipod so you could fly okay. when we first met and you weren't scared to kiss me. you have the softest lips and the most amazing kisses. and you never thought i was good enough to deserve them. i was good enough. i think of you sad this summer when i wanted to leave. i think of our life together and why it wasn't enough for you to stay away from a girl who hurt you, yelled at your sister, and never saw how special you were.

for whats it worth, you had my heart and now its broken. i know god will take care of me and i will find someone else who will one day take care of the special person i am. i hope you have found that person for yourself. if she is good to you, i wish you well. make sure she loves you and looks out for you, remembers the way you like your food, buys you things when she thinks of you, make sure you go to the dentist. i am crying now so i am going to go but.......don't think i want to let you go. i want to fight for you. i'm not going to fight for you if you dont want me. i am sorry if i held you back. you made your choice. i hope we can work something out with bella. i know you once told me bella was your weak spot but she is my life, she is whats keeping me from falling apart. she is my reason to wake up, she is the only thing that can make me smile, i need her now that i wont have you. if there is any hope of feelings for me.......dont tell me because i will only have hope on a guy who loves me 2nd best and i deserve to be loved the best. for the way i talk to much and apparently snore and cant cook and hate driving in the snow. in the end, you lost out on a great girl. i lost my best friend.

good luck, fly safe.

when he read it, i happened to be up getting dressed for work and heard the sound that i had a message in my g-chat. he said i made him cry. i was like, yeah you made me cry. he avoided eveything saying he would call me from bankgkok. he talked about a small dog he wishes i could see. that i would like it there. that she was only writing those emails so i would see them. he "told her not to". could he explain why the airline called me looking for me? didnt even try to explain. he says "u and your mind can go places i dont want u to go".

i have been through every emotion. i actually have gotten sick from being so stressed. i can barely eat. i feel naseous most of the time. i am basically in shock. if i ever thought he would cheat, never would it have been with this girl. she was in america all last year begging to see him (she was in texas) and he ignored her. he toild me heoped she dind;t even know he was in israel. over there she lives a few minutes from his house so...yeah. this girl was hated by his friends and family, she was mean, there were together maybe a year or 2, always breaking up. clearly though she has something. he likes how bad she treats him i guess.

i want to forgive him but come on. if his infatuation with her, after now seeing her for 2 years, is this strong, what is the point. he says he wants to be with me but what does that even mean. i don;t know what to do. any advice would be helpful. even if you just read this and enevr comment, or just sutmbled across, this i need help.

i thank god for my friends who have been here for me. i love you glitter, flower, mr gucci. i love my work friends. i love my dog. i love myself. that is the key. i love myself and i know now, i am strong now, through him the past 2 years actually, to know i don't deserve this. but when i think of my life with him, i mourn the loss of our friendship, our love. the israeli who comes back will not be the one i fell in love with.

Baby I adore you and I'd do anything for you

All week I have been doing the totally healthy thing. Eating 6 times a day. Small meals. Proteins. No Carbs. It's not awful but tonight I was craving something more then a salad. (I have lost about 5 lbs!!!) I called my favorite thai restaurant and ordered some pad si eiw. While I waited for that to be ready I drove to the liquor store which is totally ghetto and filled with guys speaking in bad grammar and talking about baby mama's. The liquor store is a block from my house but people drive there to get away from the city tax. So while they were swearing and enjoying being obnoxious I grabbed a bottle riesling and a bottle of white zinfendel. Wine and Thai food with Bella as my date was actually a pretty good night. I watched One Tree Hill which I haven't watched since the first season but it has totally sucked me in. (If that stupid nanny gets with nathan i will stop watching again!!) Just like Grey's which I have basically ignored all season and the last episode pulled me right back in. I will not be watching Rock of Love unless most of the episodes air and I end up watching a marathon, which is what happened last time. I LOVE How to Look Good Naked and I love Carson!! All women should watch that show because he is absolutely amazing with the girls!!

I need to add working out back in but I am concentrating on eating well and plan to add in the working out more this week. I built a ton of stuff from Ikea this weekend and I am sooo sore. I have a new dining room table, new drawer/table thing, cabinent for shoes and purses and scarves and what not and a new lamp. After I built everything on Sunday night I cleaned some and cleaned up more yesterday and took pictures for the Israeli. Tonight I finally got to relax and treated myself with the thai food. Glitter is in Cali and my other gfs also live far and I did kind of want some company so I called up an old friend...

I don't know if "friend" is even the right word. I don't know what to feel about this girl. I want to like her, she isn't a bad person per say but so fucked up and lives in a fantasy world. When I was first dating the Israeli she would say things like oh yeah he called me to come over blah blah and I'd be like that's weird cause I was with him all night and slept over.... So she knew she was lying but she just...she didn't want him but she wanted what I had. She wants happiness and has a hard time finding it for herself so she thinks if she takes someone else's it will work for her. I guess she could be called Toxic. I once had a therapist who told me "If you had a beautiful glass of pure sparkling water, the best in the world, and then someone put a drop of cyanide in it, would you drink if?" and that makes a lot of sense. No matter how much fun or good a person have, if there is something that toxic you have to stay away from the rest to protect yourself. I answered my won question. As lonely as I can be and how much I miss a fun gf I guess I should stay away. But she was fun at times. I miss having a steady girlfriend to hang out with. I love just saying hey I'm coming to get you and doing random shopping trips, Target, dinner etc.

I have some work friend that are girls, the one I really like has 4 kids though and lives far away. There is another one but I don't know, we seem like we would click but something feels off for me although she is awesome. We have coffee plans after work in Thursday so I guess we'll see. Flower is fun but again 3 kids don't really spell spontaneous and whenever hang outs. Toxic wants to get sushi tomorrow night and drinks. Should I go? Whats that saying, loose lips sink ships? Hmmm

God I miss the Israeli. It's unfucking believable. I miss his face, his body, his lips, his hair, the way we fall asleep together, his smell. Here is something so embarrassing, I smell his deodorant and wear it because it reminds me of him. I have forgone my lovely dove deodorant because I just want to feel close to him and I LOVE the scent. I know it is only 34 more days but I am starting to get antsy. We talk everyday and all I can picture is getting to pick him up from the airport. Will we hug and kiss like crazy when I see him. Should I park or wait outside with the car? I am dying to just lay down and watch him watch seinfeld and breathe him in. To suffocate myself in his chest when he sleeps and holds me.

People are always surprised at how I adore him and am still so giddy about him but I say, why the fuck not? I will thank god if I can always feel this way. Excited to see him every time, loving him, and genuinely appreciating him. The man who lets me do anything, be anyone, respects me and would never ask of me what he wouldn't do for me himself.

He has beautiful brown eyes, dark brown/black hair that is perfectly soft and shiny and falls in soft waves when long and looks hot short, tall (6 ft), lean and muscular, the softest lips and skin, the gentlest touch yet firm enough to reassure me. The best thing though about his, his heart. If you ask anyone to ddescribe him the first thing, before that fact he is extremely hansom and funny is that he has a good heart. When that is the first thing you can think of about a person that person is something special.

Okay enough sappy stuff, something cool this week I found on ancestry.com this week. My mother came from Italy when she was a little girl and I found the original passengers list of the ship when she came over. It had her name, my uncle and my grandmas. I found my grandfather's too from 2 years earlier. Amazing.
I also got a passive aggressive email from my dad in North Carolina about how the original family last name (before he changed it something totally white so as not to be though of as Spanish) has some jewish origins which would matter since as he put it...well here is the email....

" This is my last e-mail to you so you don't need to worry about answering it. I just wanted to pass on some information that might be of interest to you. I have been doing research on my father's family and it turns out that the name XXXXXX has always been a name of jewish origin. As you know my father's family came from Spain and Portugal. The name is Sephardic Jew in origin (family geneology.com). I am quite certain The Isralei could tell you more. I understand that Israel does not recognize civil marriages only religious jewish ones so I thought this might be of interest. As I have not spoken to your mother since your brother's wedding I do not expect to hear from her either. In the future please feel free to contact me via e-mail and if that method is too uncomfortable for you then simply speak to your brother.
As always
First inital. Last name"

So yeah. Love the passive aggressive. If I could trace my roots back to a jewish woman that would be great but unlikely. I am wondering if it is wrong to try and be nice to see if he could help me since my mom's side of the family is italian for hundreds of years back.

Well, off to bed. Bella is sleeping on the chair with me (well behind me) and is letting me know we need to hit the bed. A quick shower and I should sleep well after the wine.

Oh yeah, as for the title, I must adore him because I sent a package today to him that cost me $158 to ship!! I wanted to make sure he got it before he goes to Thailand and fed ex is better and more reliable through customs then the post office. I do adore him....