tell me not to change and always be the same

current mood: lazy

current song: walk way- paula deanda

Craigslist. Love it. Hate it. Everyone has an opinion and has most likely used it, even for curiosity. Myself, it's like chocolate. Very love/hate. I love using it, browsing, reading all the ad's. Free stuff. Pet posts. I have found 2 great jobs through it. Sold some things. Overall, I like it. But there is a whole side of craigslist I hate. I don't understand. GC signed up and kept emailing women. This marred man with 3 young children and a wife he loves and gets along with. Why was he looking for his kicks on there? Was he really not going to not meet anyone? If it is just a game, something to do, just for kicks, how long can you tempt fate? I keep hearing from male friends that it is just for the thrill and not serious but somehow I don't buy it. It might start off that way, a rush just to look, then to email, then to chat, and then eventually you find someone and click, you have met. I think cheating is really fucked up. We all have close encounters, people at work, friends, people you meet with irresistible attraction but to seek it out while in a committed relationship? What. The. Fuck.

I will now admit something. When I am bored, I check my first boyfriends myspace and every so often (one in like6 months) his old email. I know I shouldn't but come on! the boy hasn't changed his password in like8 years. It is purely become like fiction for me. I don't check his bank account or fuck with his emails, I don;t really do anything. We actually talk once in a while and I thought he has had a gf for over a year he had settled down but no. He has a cheating problem. Still. Did then and hasn't stopped. I saw tonight that about 2 weeks ago he had emailed the craigslist personals . A "curvy girl looking for fun". Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with men. I'm sorry but sex on the damn Internet is just..fine for single people and even very enjoyable but cheating is cheating, Internet or in person.

I know people are going to be like 'way to go snoop' but who wouldn't do that when they are bored? Or will my occasional snoop then let someone tell me an occasional craigslist peek is ok? Yes I think a look is fine. Look all you damn want it's the emailing and chatting and talking and stuff that is sick. Would it be okay for me to change his password or email his gf and let her know? Not cool. I know I shouldn't even snoop at all and maybe this admission will cure me of the occasional peek. Ugh.

I am all for online dating though. Myself I have met some great people, some best friend,s had some pretty good sex, and have never really had a bad experience. Well. I met MF off it but it also was true his ex gf dated my ex bf and was the girl cheated on me with so. Should have seen that coming I guess. Sigh. I have had friends meet people off jdate and christiansingles and end up getting married so those seem to work well. Don;t know any lasting myspace hookups or facebook. No craigslist ones either.

Okay time to end my rant and dry my hair. Since I've been writing this, Bella was curled up in a blanket in my lap, giving em the "mama lets go to sleep" look. She is amazing. She woke me up this morning when I had turned my alarm off accidentally instead of hitting snooze. She would stare at me, lick me twice ad nuzzle me until I was up. Thanks for not making me late baby!

No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all

This is either going to be a lazy sunday for me or a super productive one. I haven't decided yet. I need to wash all my clothes, put new sheets on the bed, grocery shop, organize paperwork, dust, blah blah blah. I want to watch crappy sunday tv, cuddle with bella, and Chinese take out. Actually, I want to go shopping but it's freezing outside so unless I convince myself to go and then do groceries after, who knows. I have practically nothing in my fridge so I am sure like 4 hours from now I will go.

I watched Superbad with Lior last night. We texted some girl who was hitting on him at his job that day. H heeds to get laid so even though he didn't find her attractive, I told him he could just turn her around and only see her back. He was super honest with her about a one night thing and she was down with that soo...maybe tonight he will be getting laid. I haven't smoked in a year so that was kind of relaxing. I generally don't care to but on the other hand am not opposed.

The Isreali and I got into a bit of a fight. Apparently saying "um hi" means I have attitude. He told me "you have an attitude. You can call me tomorrow" and hung out and when I called back, didn't answer. Nice. I understand he had surgery and is cranky but he has never done that and would be soooo pissed if I did that. I hate how fights long distance get so blown out of proportion and even the make up will be lackluster. *sigh* I wish he was home. He is my 'missing piece'. His prescence gives me motivation, security, he is fun and laughs and warmth and when I met him, somehting insude me changed. I grew up, learned more compassion, thoughtfulness, how to love and be a better friend. I also learned he is the best kisser and my favorite place in the world is anywhere with him and Bella between us.


Did I mention I lost my hair dryer? I hate when I put something in a place I am sure I'll remember and then later have absolutely no idea. Still in search of it after 4 days. I keep picturing Bella trying to drag it and hide it somewhere.

New winter jacket from Michael Kors. Keeps me warm so I'm happy.

Bella will be attending Doggie Day care this week. A small dog only facility open 7am to 7pm. Owner seems really kind and they offer a free day to see how the dog likes it. Bella needs to be more social with dogs and a lot of chihuahuas go, so this should be good for her while the Israeli is gone and I work all day. It's only $20 a day and a brand new facility so I am hopeful.

Having Bella to cuddle and talk to and play with and just come home to really helps being by myself. Wit the Israeli gone, it's lonely to come home to an empty house but Bella waiting for me with hugs and kisses and such excitement makes me forget that.

So I am going to finish watching 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' and wonder where the hell Glitter is.

The weather outside is frightful but I'm so delightful ;)

What a week this has been. First off, my work started blocking all blog sites. You can be on a site and the next day *boom* blocked. I used to be able to get AIM, any blog, any site. Then AIM was gone which I understood and then perez hilton. Now after 3 months they have blocked all my favorite blogs!! They even blocked gmail! Thank god I can at least listen to my Ipod while I work and ignore the short and extremely loud 'team leader' that sits across from me. Honestly, the man is sooo loud and talks from the moment he gets in to the moment he leaves. Today we learned this interesting tidbit: "Man, I'm trying to find shoes but it's so hard. I'm too small for the men's shoes and too big for the kids. Why can't they make a size 7". Everyone around me burst out laughing, trying to picture this guy in the kids shoe section trying on spiderman gym shoes or something, and he had no idea since his back is to us.

Glitter is home and that has been amazing (target and bakers square and trashy reality tv). Tonight we are going to do some shopping and tomorrow some more shopping. It keeps my mind off the Israeli being gone. I called him today and we talked while he was going back to his town from Tel Aviv. When I hear his voice sometimes I don't know what to say becaue I just miss him being here and like to know he's there. I know we don't have to talk everyday, there are generally no big updates and the calls can get expensive if we talk everyday for 2 months but I don't care. I think I'll send him some pictures soon of me and Bella. (Thanks Valley Girl for the comment!). Bella has been the biggest help though. All week keeping me warm at night and waking me up with face stares and cuddles. Definitely getting her something new tonight. Maybe a sweater or boots? It's cold here!!!

I need to finish my Christmas shopping for the family. Dad's grandparents get wine.com subscription for a year. 2 bottles of wine a month for a year from all over the world. Someone please feel free to get me that! Need a few things for my little cousin and Mom's mom. She gets the usual gift card but this year I am adding scratch lotto which she loves. Dad gets a Torchwood DVD set which he wants and Bro and Bro's Wifey get gift cards. Bella will be giving her cousin Jeebus and Aunt Fiona something from Petsmart becuase she's a sweetheart like that.

I can't wait till after X-mas to shop and fix up the apartment. The Isreali loves this place and has made it pretty clear we are not moving. Since he never asks for anything, I can stay here for him. It's a cute place in a great neighborhood but small. For a man that has so many designer jeans, shirts, shoes etc I don't know how he doesn't mind the size but ok. I am getting a new dining room table, a new side table/chest, big floor rug, new bedsheets and some random accessories. When it's all done I will post pics. When he comes back, it's going to be a whole new place. The bedroom it basically done and has been for a while. I love my one red wall (ala Big in Sex and the City). We have low lighting in there and it's a very relaxing room to sleep and do other things....

Oh! Glitter just called and is ready to go. I think later tonight after a hot shower I am going to do a mememe/survey thing.

Saturday night's all right for....blogging?

Saturday night. Snowing like crazy. Nothing on tv. Husband out of the country. What's a girl to do? Well, I will be reading Training for Toy Dog magazine but that's because I like to look at the dogs and see which ones look like Bella. I played with her in the show a bit and she had a great time.

I have Lovers of The Arctic Circle recorded and that is a good watch. Actually, it is an excellent film from 1998 that made me cry. The characters, the filming, and the fact that I love a good subtitled movie. Two lovers who met at the age of 8 and had their lives entwined along with the message of coincidences and the idea of circles. It is simply a hauntingly beautiful film I ran across late one night on IFC. The actor who plays the male lead was apparently also in Bad Education which I have wanted to watch, so maybe I will put it in my blockbuster que. That's right, I am into Blockbuster and not Netflix. The thing is, it really is convenient to go to the store and exchange movies. I can have 3 movie from the mailer that I return in the store for 3 new movies and they will still send me 3 in the mail, I can have 6 movies at once! Which...now seems a little excessive but the Israeli and I love watching movies.

This was a HARD week without the Israeli. Thank god Glitter have her best friend esp on and even though she in the middles of law school finals took a few hours to listen to me bawl my eyes out. It is times like that that you know you your real friends are. Now her I have never questioned but my friends who actually live by me, I was severely disappointed in. Let me give you some back story on the girls I spent high school with. A Catholic high school with uniforms and only 180 girls from freshmen to senior year. Here are the Plaid Skirts:

Irish-passive aggressive girl who spends a huge amount of time with her family because she can't say not. preppy and very cute but dates the same idiot for the last 5 years or so. doesn't live with him, has no plans to, and break up more then they are together.

Audrina 2.0-Basically acts just like Audrina from the Hills. good heart, pretty, ditzy, needs to learns lesson for herself, likes douchebags.

Big L-variation of her actual nickname. big bitch. fun to hang out but can turn on you in 2 seconds. good for adventures but not always reliable. smart and focused. dating a girl but can't decide if she is even bi. love/hate friendship. currently love.

Spacey-the dumbest smart girl you ever met. ivy league educated. no common sense. lesbian dating the most annoying ugly girl ever. working drunk. once said "target, isn't that where you buy gifts for poor people". apparently a selective toilet flusher. used to be my absolute best friend in the world, we ever had a 3 way together.

M2-friend by association. nice. neither here nor there for me. fucking Irish's friend and also has the most adorable long distance bf. yeah.

Xmeth-over achiever. ivy league schools. ex meth head. friends with the clintons. dates a psych resident who keeps her on pills.

So this is a sample of the girls I went to school with and am "friends" with. I am still fairly close with 2.0 but the others, I am not putting any effort into anymore. They complain about all of us not hanging out but they make no effort. They bitch about the same men for years. Now we all can have that ex that never quite stays an ex but go have some interesting fucks or flings or something!! You would think that since they all knew the Israeli was leaving they would call me to see how I was doing, but not once call. When I talked to Irish tonight she completely glossed over that topic. I don't think they need to act like it is a big deal to them but come on, one of your " best friends" husband is going away for 2 months and you can't even say "oh that sucks, I'm sorry" or something? Glitter was there like a champ and Flower called me the day he left, invited me over, and has called me everyday. I spent last night there for shabbat dinner and they made sure I was good. I have known the Plaid Skirts for almost 10 years and Flower for 2 and that is how they act. IT definitely hurts but I remember now why I stopped speaking to them and being close for a few years. Because they would rather be passive aggressive and fake then just be honest with each other. Spacey and Irish were roommates and that was one hot mess that they were both so pass/ass about that they sent complaints through friends and moved out without talking face to face. Anyways....

An empty bed and a sad heart is what I am working with but I am trying to stay positive. Working out on Monday with Ukraine. She is a work friend and this will be out first out of work excursion so let's hope it goes well. Glitter is here Tuesday and on Wednesday I am having a purse party. This should be very interesting. Also some Gramma time this week. I have the most adorable Italian gramma (say it without the 'd'). We had a 3 hour talk sesh tonight because she is awesome like that.

So here I am at 1:31 am with my blanket from the Israeli, Bella wrapped in it at my feet, and there is a very appropriate Dashboard Confessional song playing.

You'll be leaving for the winter, but I won't see that it's true
It's the right thing for you, but it's tough to be moved
With the holiday spirit, when to tell you the truth
I had big plans for Christmas, and high hopes for you.

I want you here by my side!
Cold nights
and fires
and white wine
And dreams of holidays have come, but I'll wait for spring to bring you to me
Only gift that I need.

I'll be living off your phone calls and your letters and your post cards
Every single word is like a secret wish come true
Who cares if were apart for the big days
It's the small ones that made me fall in love with you (fall in love with you).

You want a piece of me?

I thought I had given up all hope of liking anything about Britney Spears but I was wrong! I don't know if I would classify it as "good" but I love her new song "You want a piece of me". It's nothing as fast or catchy as her old hits and the continous medium slow tempo throughout the song conjours up images of her mtv disaster, I cannot stop listening to it as I get up in the morning. Love her or hate her, she's right when she says " 'Miss "American Dream' Since I was 17". Since the Israeli is gone my teenage love for pop music has apparently resurfaced. With the Spice Girls back together, how could I not though? Love me some Spice girls. Or are they Spice Mama's now?

Speaking of mama's, my babygirl Bella is being wild today. I just bought her $75 worth of toys to keep her busy while I work and the Isralei is gone. That's right, when it comes to my pet I am a bit obnoxious. She is a spoiled baby but she walks, I don't carry her and she only wears clothes when it's cold and she is going outside. She has only 1 dress which I swear she loves!

I found Bella though Petfinder which is an amazing website. It is a place where you can find the pet you want, whether it be a dog, cat, horse, rabbit, etc and be saving an animal at the same time. The website is not for breeders and instead lets shelters and rescues lists the animals that need to be rescued.

I knew I was looking for small chihuahua but I didn't want a puppy mill dog so when I found Petfinder I was thrilled. I looked everyday for about a month and the day before Thanksgiving last year I saw this little blurry furball of a dog, 6 hours away from me. I quickly called the rescue and made an appointment to see her for that Satuday. Taking the Israeli's sister, Boots, we drove though cornfields to get her. The second I held Bella, that was it. I paid for her and proceeded to drive another 6 hours straight home. Mind you, Boots doesn't know how to drive, the cell phone died and we had no charger, and got lost in the backwoods to drive down a gravel and dirt road through a forest preserve to find this shelter. Getting back was a little faster but it was still crazy. Bella used to be able to come to my old job with me. She would sit on my desk, run around the office and was everybody's baby. Thank god for all the socialization because I definitely did not want a chihuahua that was biting people from my arms. Anyone who is looking for a pet should definitely try it.

Today was a hard day for me because, while at work it hit me the Israeli was gone. He has a phone number there and is with his family and he sounds so amazing and cute and happy on the phone, that when I talked to him the second time today I basically broke down. In my cubicle. With at least 5 immediate people able to see and hear me. I had to hang up quickly with him letting him think it was work because I don't need him to worry about me while he's over there. Because that's the kind of person he is. He always worries about me and wants to make sure I'm okay and right now it's 'him' time. Besides it's only been a few days, I give myself a week or 2 more and then he can worry and comfort me but I'll probably be doing that for him.

So after I started to tear up I went into the stairwell, called my good friend Flower and made plans to come over tonight to see her and he husband and kids. Her husband was my old boss and we're all very close.I am actually forgoing watching ANTM to go over and instead will watch it tonight on the dvr. I like to watch some thing after they've been recorded so I can fast forward though the commercials and suspenseful parts and get to see who wins. I am hoping for Chantal and not Saleish/Tooty or Jenah bigteeth.