why so quiet

i found out the Isreali is cheating on me.

checking his email to print his flight tickets i saw his ex girlfriend emailed him.

apparently not so ex.

since then more emails have come and he is leaving thailand early to spend another week with her.

this i found out from the airlines. calling his american cell phone and asking for her. the emails come in hebrew so they have to be translated.

the first email is how much she loves him and misses him and wants him to spend more time with her in israel. how she is sorry they fought, he was right, and how she loves him. he tells me he did hang out with her but "not like i think" and she is "practically married, living with her boyfriend".

the next email was, "don't worry the airline will not bother your lover anymore". it talks about how she doesn't want to be a in a triangle with him, me, and her. how he is a coward. how she wants to tell him things but she can't say it on the phone. this means while he can't call me in thailand he is calling her. yeah. she tells him they should end it and go on with their lives. he must have sent her something back because about an hour later she says she doesn't care what anyone says, she loves him more then words can say. she includes a picture and tells him not to be jealous the guy is a friend of her aunts.

i sent him an email that i feel pretty good about.

you are not giving me the chance to say this on the phone
i don't know whats going on with you. when they gave you a new nose, they gave you a new heart?
we both know whats going on so don't lie.
i don't want to be lied to and i don't deserve it.
i always thought you respected me. loved me,
don't worry, i know i was not the one you loved but i believed you wouldn't hurt me and you respected me.
i feel like everything i knew, wasn't true.
i am in love with you. you know this. in love, didn't want a life without you.
when you love someone, you want them happy. i want you happy.
i don't make you happy. so be happy. but don't hurt me or people in the process.
stand up for what you want. be kind.
there is not a chance for us to be friends, which is the saddest part of all.
i don't even know if you are planning to come home. or to bring her here. or what is going on.
this is my life too, not just yours.
i am a person with feelings. i deserve respect and the truth.
i know you are going to be in Israel this week. el al let me know.
as a person, a friend, please call me and let's talk.
let's really talk.
maybe I should hate you for all this but it isn't in me.
in the end, you lost out on me. i am a good person. i was a good friend. i am a good woman.
i am sorry for both of us.
i am sorry i believed you wouldn't hurt me. i am sorry i was lied to when you called me. i am sorry i lost my best friend. i am sorry i ever saw that email.
i am sorry you felt lying was better then the truth. i am sad you lost yourself.
the israeli i know is the best person in the world. he was kind and honest and even when it was hard to do, he told the truth.
i honestly sit here and just can't believe this is happening. that you of all people in the world could do this to me.
it hurts to think i am your american girl to do everything and call el al but i got replaced and she became the girl to do it for you.
i was honestly checking your email to print your tickets and call to see if anything had changed and a flight had opened up for you to come back to israel a few days early and see your family. i didn't know it was because you wanted more time with her.
may god be with you and bless you and let you find yourself.
when you come home, i want you to stay somewhere else.
the papers, we will figure out.
its like, i could change the locks...but youre a locksmith. irony.
i could pack your stuff. i could scream. i could try to hurt you like you hurt me.
i just cant. i fucking cant.
i sit here and want to be angry. i think of Vegas and seeing jerry with you. of us on the plane. of fixing the ipod so you could fly okay. when we first met and you weren't scared to kiss me. you have the softest lips and the most amazing kisses. and you never thought i was good enough to deserve them. i was good enough. i think of you sad this summer when i wanted to leave. i think of our life together and why it wasn't enough for you to stay away from a girl who hurt you, yelled at your sister, and never saw how special you were.

for whats it worth, you had my heart and now its broken. i know god will take care of me and i will find someone else who will one day take care of the special person i am. i hope you have found that person for yourself. if she is good to you, i wish you well. make sure she loves you and looks out for you, remembers the way you like your food, buys you things when she thinks of you, make sure you go to the dentist. i am crying now so i am going to go but.......don't think i want to let you go. i want to fight for you. i'm not going to fight for you if you dont want me. i am sorry if i held you back. you made your choice. i hope we can work something out with bella. i know you once told me bella was your weak spot but she is my life, she is whats keeping me from falling apart. she is my reason to wake up, she is the only thing that can make me smile, i need her now that i wont have you. if there is any hope of feelings for me.......dont tell me because i will only have hope on a guy who loves me 2nd best and i deserve to be loved the best. for the way i talk to much and apparently snore and cant cook and hate driving in the snow. in the end, you lost out on a great girl. i lost my best friend.

good luck, fly safe.

when he read it, i happened to be up getting dressed for work and heard the sound that i had a message in my g-chat. he said i made him cry. i was like, yeah you made me cry. he avoided eveything saying he would call me from bankgkok. he talked about a small dog he wishes i could see. that i would like it there. that she was only writing those emails so i would see them. he "told her not to". could he explain why the airline called me looking for me? didnt even try to explain. he says "u and your mind can go places i dont want u to go".

i have been through every emotion. i actually have gotten sick from being so stressed. i can barely eat. i feel naseous most of the time. i am basically in shock. if i ever thought he would cheat, never would it have been with this girl. she was in america all last year begging to see him (she was in texas) and he ignored her. he toild me heoped she dind;t even know he was in israel. over there she lives a few minutes from his house so...yeah. this girl was hated by his friends and family, she was mean, there were together maybe a year or 2, always breaking up. clearly though she has something. he likes how bad she treats him i guess.

i want to forgive him but come on. if his infatuation with her, after now seeing her for 2 years, is this strong, what is the point. he says he wants to be with me but what does that even mean. i don;t know what to do. any advice would be helpful. even if you just read this and enevr comment, or just sutmbled across, this i need help.

i thank god for my friends who have been here for me. i love you glitter, flower, mr gucci. i love my work friends. i love my dog. i love myself. that is the key. i love myself and i know now, i am strong now, through him the past 2 years actually, to know i don't deserve this. but when i think of my life with him, i mourn the loss of our friendship, our love. the israeli who comes back will not be the one i fell in love with.

I will be going out with Irish tonight to celebrate Audrina2.0's birthday tonight.
Requirements as follows:
-Bebe Gift Card
-spending at least $60 plus dinner and taking the L plus a taxie is enough of a gift we decided
-tight jeans
-semi slutty top (married + freezing below 0 temps make for a safety first night)
-according to Irish, Audrina and Co. will be wearing hoochie dresses. I will now be wearing some sort of skirt and boots and thank god for my long Michaels Kors winter coat.
-$40 to get in and drink all night
-good dinner so as not be drunk fast
-my 'nice, lets get along with everyone' attitude

Predictions for the night:
-seeing who will make out with more people Irish or Audrina2.0. (both have sort of bf's so this should be interesting)

-me being slightly uncomfortable at first with Audrina's Trixie friends. (Trixies are typically depicted as "social climbing, marriage-minded, money-hungry young ladies that seem to flock to the upwardly-mobile neighborhood of Lincoln Park."^[1] Another description calls them "the women with Kate Spade bags for every day of the week; the ex-sorority girls still lusting after big, dumb jocks; the women who go to law school to find husbands.")
-don't forget the "bros" or "Chads" (attending private prep school, receiving a BMW for his 16th birthday, obtaining a law degree from a Big Ten University, moving to Lincoln Park, marrying a Trixie, and then moving back to the North Suburbs.")

-coming home along, semi drunk=wishing i could drunk dial the Israeli and engage in some steamy phone sex.
-will have to settle for vibrator
-late night food + episodes of the office
-puppy cuddling with my bella!!

Wish me luck guys. I haven't been out with the all american chicago post college kids in a while.

The Israeli left for Thailand today. Not too much contact for three weeks but my baby sound ready to come home. Thank god. My good friend is going to help paint for me this weekend and I get to babysit for my favorite little girl. More than fair trade I say. I will post more tomorrow but its 1:#5 and I get up at 6:00am7:00am.

Oh! Got this from a friend tonight. LOVE IT!! Victoria's Secret Beauty Rush lipsgloss, flavor is 'Outstanding'. The sexiest pout ever. I have great lips, plump, sensual, whatever, guys love em and so do girls and they have a good color but this just makes them va va voom!! Try it ladies, smells great and feels amazing!!

Side note: My crazy ex, MF, apparently has a dinner with some people I know. A company dinner where my friends and him work together. Apparently he kept asking about me. Ew. Restraining order keeps him from bothering me but not my friends apparently. His new gf was there too. Apparently she resembles me. Ew Ew Ew.

tell me not to change and always be the same

current mood: lazy

current song: walk way- paula deanda

Craigslist. Love it. Hate it. Everyone has an opinion and has most likely used it, even for curiosity. Myself, it's like chocolate. Very love/hate. I love using it, browsing, reading all the ad's. Free stuff. Pet posts. I have found 2 great jobs through it. Sold some things. Overall, I like it. But there is a whole side of craigslist I hate. I don't understand. GC signed up and kept emailing women. This marred man with 3 young children and a wife he loves and gets along with. Why was he looking for his kicks on there? Was he really not going to not meet anyone? If it is just a game, something to do, just for kicks, how long can you tempt fate? I keep hearing from male friends that it is just for the thrill and not serious but somehow I don't buy it. It might start off that way, a rush just to look, then to email, then to chat, and then eventually you find someone and click, you have met. I think cheating is really fucked up. We all have close encounters, people at work, friends, people you meet with irresistible attraction but to seek it out while in a committed relationship? What. The. Fuck.

I will now admit something. When I am bored, I check my first boyfriends myspace and every so often (one in like6 months) his old email. I know I shouldn't but come on! the boy hasn't changed his password in like8 years. It is purely become like fiction for me. I don't check his bank account or fuck with his emails, I don;t really do anything. We actually talk once in a while and I thought he has had a gf for over a year he had settled down but no. He has a cheating problem. Still. Did then and hasn't stopped. I saw tonight that about 2 weeks ago he had emailed the craigslist personals . A "curvy girl looking for fun". Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with men. I'm sorry but sex on the damn Internet is just..fine for single people and even very enjoyable but cheating is cheating, Internet or in person.

I know people are going to be like 'way to go snoop' but who wouldn't do that when they are bored? Or will my occasional snoop then let someone tell me an occasional craigslist peek is ok? Yes I think a look is fine. Look all you damn want it's the emailing and chatting and talking and stuff that is sick. Would it be okay for me to change his password or email his gf and let her know? Not cool. I know I shouldn't even snoop at all and maybe this admission will cure me of the occasional peek. Ugh.

I am all for online dating though. Myself I have met some great people, some best friend,s had some pretty good sex, and have never really had a bad experience. Well. I met MF off it but it also was true his ex gf dated my ex bf and was the girl cheated on me with so. Should have seen that coming I guess. Sigh. I have had friends meet people off jdate and christiansingles and end up getting married so those seem to work well. Don;t know any lasting myspace hookups or facebook. No craigslist ones either.

Okay time to end my rant and dry my hair. Since I've been writing this, Bella was curled up in a blanket in my lap, giving em the "mama lets go to sleep" look. She is amazing. She woke me up this morning when I had turned my alarm off accidentally instead of hitting snooze. She would stare at me, lick me twice ad nuzzle me until I was up. Thanks for not making me late baby!

You got me wrapped around your finger, Did you have to let it linger?

Current Book: Women and Money by Suze Orman

Current Song: Brave by Idina Menzel + Wicked Soundtrack

Current Feeling: Longing

Random Things About Me

• I love showtunes. I love driving in my car blasting Aida or Rent and singing at the top of my lungs. The same goes for pop music like Hannah Montana and even a High School Musical. I am fully aware that I am almost 25 but it is catchy music. (I said catchy, not good lol)
• I worked at Victoria's Secret for almost 3 years. We ended up wearing a lot of things out under our clothes towards the end when management fucked us. I still feel bad so whenever I go in, I over buy to make up for my guilt.
• I was raised by my bio dad, his partner, my mom and her husband. My brother and I grew up in catholic schools and in the best Chicago suburbs. I never had any discrimination about my gay parents.
• I have never put a condom on a guy. I have always let them do it.
• I have done cocaine, pot, mushrooms, and opium. I don't get drugs. They don't do much for me and I much rather laugh then be fucked up.
• I do love wine but again, every once in a while. I just don't care much.
• I can only get off to thoughts of the Israeli. I just can't fantasize about anyone else. This is something that has only happened with him.
• I love dirty, sexy talk in bed. Dirty not stupid. Audrina2.0's idea of dirty talk is "give it to me big boy". Yeah, no.
• I like being in control but I like a man who can control me. I respect people who want to be equal and not dominated.
• I love reading and always have insane library fines. I read fast and read almost anything.
• Favorite authors: Kurt Vonnegut, Chuck Palahniuk, Orson Scott Card, Old James Patterson, Richard North Patterson, Margaret Atwood
• I love Blockbuster online.
• I love Mandy Moore. She can do no wrong. A Walk to Remember. How to Deal. Because I said So. Saved. Please see these movies. She is a-fucking-dorable.
• Love The Office. John Krasinski. Enough said. Actually Mindy Kaling (Kelly Kapoor). That's definitely enough said.
• I need a new vibrator. Mr. Oaski has done a great job but he is like 4 years old. On the other hand, 27 more days and I won't need it again.
• I am just really appreciating shoes. I had gay dads but they missed the fashion gene. My one dad is a "bear" and the other thinks he is some old English gent from a few centuries ago. Righhhhht.
• I love Hanes wife beaters, Best brand to wear. They keep their shape and cling to the breasts quite nice. Wifebeater + cute earring + cute flip flops + big shades + comfy sexy jeans=my summer outfit.
• I need some Dole or Chanel sunglasses.
• I talk a ton but at home, relaxed, I am content to read and relax and be with the Israeli.
• I have never had a brazilian, or even been waxed. Always just shaved. Mach3 is the best razor.
• Drinks of choice: Cran and Vodka. Absolut and Tonic. Mimosa. Rum and Coke. Shots are jager or tequila1800.
• Glitter is seriously a sister to me in heart and mind. My total dream is to raise our kids together.
• I don;t move when I sleep so the covers never need to be made when I am alone. Add in the Israeli and I am making the bed everyday,.
• I adore chinese and thai food. Love wings. Love ranch dressing and anything.
• I am very serious about my conversion to judiasm but I am afraid to go to a synagogue alone and my Israeli friends don't go. That is one of my goals this year, to explore my faith.
• I want to learn to cook and actually know spices go well and what they are more and to cook less off the recipe and more by taste.
• I leave my contacts in for weeks at a time
• I use the Mirena IUD and love it.
• I do not have credit cards.
• I love with all my heart and genuinely expect people to be good. It hurts to trust someone and have them not give a fuck.
• I want to video blog.
• I love chocolate and peanut butter ice cream.
• I have one tattoo.
• Victoria's Secret Very Sexy Push Up is the best bra. Ever. Comfortable. Work with most shorts. Give the best looking breasts. Get one. Life changing. My secret weapon. Make it yours.

Baby Got Back...and good makeup

Hung out with my friend Lazy last night. I met Lazy through MF and we became friends after MF and I broke up. We get along well and he gets along with the Israeli (probably because he is also from Israel and the same age lol). Lazy is 25, recently broken up with his long term gf, and lives about 30min from me. He gets called lazy because he always wants us to come visit him, even though he has a roommate and a kind sketchy apt building. Like I am really going to go drive 30-45min depending on traffic at 8:30 at night when I get up around 6:30am for work and he gets up at like 11am. His lazy ass should come visit me, at least every other time. My place is cozier, no room ates, we live by a ton of mutual friends, and there is better food. Clearly, I win lol.

Anyways so he came over and we went to see Flower and her husband God Complex (GC). GC gets his name because he loves to help people way less fortunate or more fucked up then him so he feels better when they treat his like some god. The people who actually help him and don't fuck up he has less time for. So we went over to GC and Flowers to see if GC would pay him the $400 he owes Lazy. We were there for a while and I found out some interesting news about Toxic. So after we came by to my house, we smoked a bit and I drank some wine. He watched HBO Cathouse stuff and I played with Bella and thought about the Israeli. He left around 2 r so and I went to sleep. When I woke up, I had such a wine hangover (I had a glass when I had thai and wine again for dinner by myself). I called in work for a half day and went back to bed with Bella. I told them I ate at a diner and had food poisoning. Sent the Israeli some money via Western Union. Worked and came home. Cooked some Moroccan Fish and cous cous and relaxed. Showered and and watching True Life: I love my Fat Body. Which is apparently turning out that these people really don't.

The thing about fat and being fat and weight it, it really is a matter of confidence. It really is also a matter of health. There is chubby and plump and there is obese. When being overweight affects your health, then I think it would be wise to exercise and maybe eat better. This girl on the show says she won't eat anything she doesn't like but can she really dislike all food besides junk food? I love fast food, seriously Glitter and I were just talking about this but I also adore fruits and vegetables. I adore water over soda. My favorite salad dressing is only oil, vinegar, salt and lemon. I like how I feel when I work out. The thing is, most people that are at their natural body weight do some sort of exercise. Humans were not meant to be sedimentary creatures. We used to be nomads and roam and walk a ton. Now no one really gets exercise.

I have struggled with weight like most woman, and men too, and I can see I feel better being healthy. Sometimes, like now, I can be eating healthy and working out and my body might not be making a huge change but I feel good. A size 0 isn't for everyone and is very different on a tall vs short person. Stacey London says it best when you should ignore the numbers and focus on the clothes fit. I am a curvy girl. My but is out there and sexy, not some big flat ass but a round curvy thing. I have breasts and I have hips. I love my body. Some days its annoying but who doesn't have that? Look at me at 3, I have the booty then and I have it now. (Can I get in trouble for posting me when I was little like this? Hope not!!)


Besides how I look body wise, one thing that I do love is clear skin. Who doesn't? I don't wear a ton of makeup and I am blessed to be pretty blemish free but one thing that helps is Clinque's Almost Makeup. This is something I have used for years and I encourage everyone who wants a nice smooth skin with a no makeup feel you can put on it about 30 seconds. It is lightweight, you can't feel it, has SPF15 in it, and moisturizes. It comes in 4 shades that blend in to all skin tones. This also lasts forever and makes the easiest morning routine. I put this on, some blush, lipgloss and I am good to go. Very natural and flawless. Costs $19.50. Very reasonable for everything you get.





A second product I adore is the Bobbi Brown Long Wear Gel Eyeliner. This was something my friend Makeup got me hooked on. We met when she was working at Victoria's Secret beauty and I was in lingerie. We stayed friends and she used to work the Bobbi Brown counter at Nordstorms. I bought this and have never been disappointed. Goes on smooth, long lasting, never smears and just lasts and lasts. Love the pot it comes it, love the dark color, and love the way it just slides on. It also costs $19 and comes in a variety of colors. Definitely try this.

Good things about today. Moving desks away from the loudmouth. Comcast giving me free HBO for another year and keeping me on the triple play. Loving my Atkins Protein Shakes for breakfast. MY hair growing long and becoming easier to blowdry. Talking to the Israeli. Bella.

Afterthought: I sometimes wonder is my posts are too long or if this is a boring blog.

Did I mention I have had a huge Burger King/Fast Food craving? Tongith it was bad since I havent had it in weeks but I overcame it and instead had some plain tuna with a little vinegar and olives. Sounds gross but it is protein and good.

Also. Want this little guy.