tell me not to change and always be the same

current mood: lazy

current song: walk way- paula deanda

Craigslist. Love it. Hate it. Everyone has an opinion and has most likely used it, even for curiosity. Myself, it's like chocolate. Very love/hate. I love using it, browsing, reading all the ad's. Free stuff. Pet posts. I have found 2 great jobs through it. Sold some things. Overall, I like it. But there is a whole side of craigslist I hate. I don't understand. GC signed up and kept emailing women. This marred man with 3 young children and a wife he loves and gets along with. Why was he looking for his kicks on there? Was he really not going to not meet anyone? If it is just a game, something to do, just for kicks, how long can you tempt fate? I keep hearing from male friends that it is just for the thrill and not serious but somehow I don't buy it. It might start off that way, a rush just to look, then to email, then to chat, and then eventually you find someone and click, you have met. I think cheating is really fucked up. We all have close encounters, people at work, friends, people you meet with irresistible attraction but to seek it out while in a committed relationship? What. The. Fuck.

I will now admit something. When I am bored, I check my first boyfriends myspace and every so often (one in like6 months) his old email. I know I shouldn't but come on! the boy hasn't changed his password in like8 years. It is purely become like fiction for me. I don't check his bank account or fuck with his emails, I don;t really do anything. We actually talk once in a while and I thought he has had a gf for over a year he had settled down but no. He has a cheating problem. Still. Did then and hasn't stopped. I saw tonight that about 2 weeks ago he had emailed the craigslist personals . A "curvy girl looking for fun". Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with men. I'm sorry but sex on the damn Internet is just..fine for single people and even very enjoyable but cheating is cheating, Internet or in person.

I know people are going to be like 'way to go snoop' but who wouldn't do that when they are bored? Or will my occasional snoop then let someone tell me an occasional craigslist peek is ok? Yes I think a look is fine. Look all you damn want it's the emailing and chatting and talking and stuff that is sick. Would it be okay for me to change his password or email his gf and let her know? Not cool. I know I shouldn't even snoop at all and maybe this admission will cure me of the occasional peek. Ugh.

I am all for online dating though. Myself I have met some great people, some best friend,s had some pretty good sex, and have never really had a bad experience. Well. I met MF off it but it also was true his ex gf dated my ex bf and was the girl cheated on me with so. Should have seen that coming I guess. Sigh. I have had friends meet people off jdate and christiansingles and end up getting married so those seem to work well. Don;t know any lasting myspace hookups or facebook. No craigslist ones either.

Okay time to end my rant and dry my hair. Since I've been writing this, Bella was curled up in a blanket in my lap, giving em the "mama lets go to sleep" look. She is amazing. She woke me up this morning when I had turned my alarm off accidentally instead of hitting snooze. She would stare at me, lick me twice ad nuzzle me until I was up. Thanks for not making me late baby!

You got me wrapped around your finger, Did you have to let it linger?

Current Book: Women and Money by Suze Orman

Current Song: Brave by Idina Menzel + Wicked Soundtrack

Current Feeling: Longing

Random Things About Me

• I love showtunes. I love driving in my car blasting Aida or Rent and singing at the top of my lungs. The same goes for pop music like Hannah Montana and even a High School Musical. I am fully aware that I am almost 25 but it is catchy music. (I said catchy, not good lol)
• I worked at Victoria's Secret for almost 3 years. We ended up wearing a lot of things out under our clothes towards the end when management fucked us. I still feel bad so whenever I go in, I over buy to make up for my guilt.
• I was raised by my bio dad, his partner, my mom and her husband. My brother and I grew up in catholic schools and in the best Chicago suburbs. I never had any discrimination about my gay parents.
• I have never put a condom on a guy. I have always let them do it.
• I have done cocaine, pot, mushrooms, and opium. I don't get drugs. They don't do much for me and I much rather laugh then be fucked up.
• I do love wine but again, every once in a while. I just don't care much.
• I can only get off to thoughts of the Israeli. I just can't fantasize about anyone else. This is something that has only happened with him.
• I love dirty, sexy talk in bed. Dirty not stupid. Audrina2.0's idea of dirty talk is "give it to me big boy". Yeah, no.
• I like being in control but I like a man who can control me. I respect people who want to be equal and not dominated.
• I love reading and always have insane library fines. I read fast and read almost anything.
• Favorite authors: Kurt Vonnegut, Chuck Palahniuk, Orson Scott Card, Old James Patterson, Richard North Patterson, Margaret Atwood
• I love Blockbuster online.
• I love Mandy Moore. She can do no wrong. A Walk to Remember. How to Deal. Because I said So. Saved. Please see these movies. She is a-fucking-dorable.
• Love The Office. John Krasinski. Enough said. Actually Mindy Kaling (Kelly Kapoor). That's definitely enough said.
• I need a new vibrator. Mr. Oaski has done a great job but he is like 4 years old. On the other hand, 27 more days and I won't need it again.
• I am just really appreciating shoes. I had gay dads but they missed the fashion gene. My one dad is a "bear" and the other thinks he is some old English gent from a few centuries ago. Righhhhht.
• I love Hanes wife beaters, Best brand to wear. They keep their shape and cling to the breasts quite nice. Wifebeater + cute earring + cute flip flops + big shades + comfy sexy jeans=my summer outfit.
• I need some Dole or Chanel sunglasses.
• I talk a ton but at home, relaxed, I am content to read and relax and be with the Israeli.
• I have never had a brazilian, or even been waxed. Always just shaved. Mach3 is the best razor.
• Drinks of choice: Cran and Vodka. Absolut and Tonic. Mimosa. Rum and Coke. Shots are jager or tequila1800.
• Glitter is seriously a sister to me in heart and mind. My total dream is to raise our kids together.
• I don;t move when I sleep so the covers never need to be made when I am alone. Add in the Israeli and I am making the bed everyday,.
• I adore chinese and thai food. Love wings. Love ranch dressing and anything.
• I am very serious about my conversion to judiasm but I am afraid to go to a synagogue alone and my Israeli friends don't go. That is one of my goals this year, to explore my faith.
• I want to learn to cook and actually know spices go well and what they are more and to cook less off the recipe and more by taste.
• I leave my contacts in for weeks at a time
• I use the Mirena IUD and love it.
• I do not have credit cards.
• I love with all my heart and genuinely expect people to be good. It hurts to trust someone and have them not give a fuck.
• I want to video blog.
• I love chocolate and peanut butter ice cream.
• I have one tattoo.
• Victoria's Secret Very Sexy Push Up is the best bra. Ever. Comfortable. Work with most shorts. Give the best looking breasts. Get one. Life changing. My secret weapon. Make it yours.

Baby Got Back...and good makeup

Hung out with my friend Lazy last night. I met Lazy through MF and we became friends after MF and I broke up. We get along well and he gets along with the Israeli (probably because he is also from Israel and the same age lol). Lazy is 25, recently broken up with his long term gf, and lives about 30min from me. He gets called lazy because he always wants us to come visit him, even though he has a roommate and a kind sketchy apt building. Like I am really going to go drive 30-45min depending on traffic at 8:30 at night when I get up around 6:30am for work and he gets up at like 11am. His lazy ass should come visit me, at least every other time. My place is cozier, no room ates, we live by a ton of mutual friends, and there is better food. Clearly, I win lol.

Anyways so he came over and we went to see Flower and her husband God Complex (GC). GC gets his name because he loves to help people way less fortunate or more fucked up then him so he feels better when they treat his like some god. The people who actually help him and don't fuck up he has less time for. So we went over to GC and Flowers to see if GC would pay him the $400 he owes Lazy. We were there for a while and I found out some interesting news about Toxic. So after we came by to my house, we smoked a bit and I drank some wine. He watched HBO Cathouse stuff and I played with Bella and thought about the Israeli. He left around 2 r so and I went to sleep. When I woke up, I had such a wine hangover (I had a glass when I had thai and wine again for dinner by myself). I called in work for a half day and went back to bed with Bella. I told them I ate at a diner and had food poisoning. Sent the Israeli some money via Western Union. Worked and came home. Cooked some Moroccan Fish and cous cous and relaxed. Showered and and watching True Life: I love my Fat Body. Which is apparently turning out that these people really don't.

The thing about fat and being fat and weight it, it really is a matter of confidence. It really is also a matter of health. There is chubby and plump and there is obese. When being overweight affects your health, then I think it would be wise to exercise and maybe eat better. This girl on the show says she won't eat anything she doesn't like but can she really dislike all food besides junk food? I love fast food, seriously Glitter and I were just talking about this but I also adore fruits and vegetables. I adore water over soda. My favorite salad dressing is only oil, vinegar, salt and lemon. I like how I feel when I work out. The thing is, most people that are at their natural body weight do some sort of exercise. Humans were not meant to be sedimentary creatures. We used to be nomads and roam and walk a ton. Now no one really gets exercise.

I have struggled with weight like most woman, and men too, and I can see I feel better being healthy. Sometimes, like now, I can be eating healthy and working out and my body might not be making a huge change but I feel good. A size 0 isn't for everyone and is very different on a tall vs short person. Stacey London says it best when you should ignore the numbers and focus on the clothes fit. I am a curvy girl. My but is out there and sexy, not some big flat ass but a round curvy thing. I have breasts and I have hips. I love my body. Some days its annoying but who doesn't have that? Look at me at 3, I have the booty then and I have it now. (Can I get in trouble for posting me when I was little like this? Hope not!!)


Besides how I look body wise, one thing that I do love is clear skin. Who doesn't? I don't wear a ton of makeup and I am blessed to be pretty blemish free but one thing that helps is Clinque's Almost Makeup. This is something I have used for years and I encourage everyone who wants a nice smooth skin with a no makeup feel you can put on it about 30 seconds. It is lightweight, you can't feel it, has SPF15 in it, and moisturizes. It comes in 4 shades that blend in to all skin tones. This also lasts forever and makes the easiest morning routine. I put this on, some blush, lipgloss and I am good to go. Very natural and flawless. Costs $19.50. Very reasonable for everything you get.





A second product I adore is the Bobbi Brown Long Wear Gel Eyeliner. This was something my friend Makeup got me hooked on. We met when she was working at Victoria's Secret beauty and I was in lingerie. We stayed friends and she used to work the Bobbi Brown counter at Nordstorms. I bought this and have never been disappointed. Goes on smooth, long lasting, never smears and just lasts and lasts. Love the pot it comes it, love the dark color, and love the way it just slides on. It also costs $19 and comes in a variety of colors. Definitely try this.

Good things about today. Moving desks away from the loudmouth. Comcast giving me free HBO for another year and keeping me on the triple play. Loving my Atkins Protein Shakes for breakfast. MY hair growing long and becoming easier to blowdry. Talking to the Israeli. Bella.

Afterthought: I sometimes wonder is my posts are too long or if this is a boring blog.

Did I mention I have had a huge Burger King/Fast Food craving? Tongith it was bad since I havent had it in weeks but I overcame it and instead had some plain tuna with a little vinegar and olives. Sounds gross but it is protein and good.

Also. Want this little guy.

The Ex Factor

Did some myspace stalking today, in between AMNT marathons and cleaning. I looked up my last ex bf, the craziest guy anyone will ever meet. I call him Mind Fuck (MF) because that's what he is best at. The thing that I don't understand is this, out of the 47 friends he has, most of them are ex gf's. Ex gf's of which everyone he cheated on and most he did meet on myspace. My relationship with him was the worst thing that has ever happened to me but yet in a way, the best because I learned everything not to do and not to accept. Before I get into the stogy, here's a preview of the kind of person he is. This is from a police blotter.

"Bxxx Sxxxxx, 23, of [address]., Chicago, was charged with telephone harassment and harassment by electronic communication. A 23-year-old woman called police from her place of employment at 5:45 p.m. June 4. She reported alleged continuous calls and instant messages from Sxxxxx, an ex-boyfriend. While police were speaking to the victim, Sxxxxx allegedly called her cellular telephone and an officer answered the phone. He warned Sxxxx about the harassment but Sxxxx allegedly called four more times while police were with the victim. Officers contacted Chicago police who arrested Sxxxx at his home as he was sending additional instant messages to the victim on a computer."

I think my favorite part might be the part where he was sending additional IM's. So, let's go back about 4 years or so. I met MF when my biological dad moved across country with his bf and basically ditched me, after I left college to take care of him. When I came home from a winter break I found him with no bills paid, house disgusting, and telling me he had suicidal thoughts again. So after I gave up alot of things in my life and encouraged him to go out and meet someone, when he did, he totally ditched me and moved to this guys home state and was a huge ass. Enter MF. Same personality and someone who needed to be taking care of.

From the second day I met him, he started in on me and I see now I was so vulnerable I confused love with demands and attention and being needed. I thought we were going to date but I went to visit family a few days later after he had said we were together and he then told me via IM he had a girlfriend he had just taken out for thai dinner, his signature as I would fine out. Through the next few months he would manipulate me (through crying, yelling, pleading, begging, etc) me to bring him food, give him money, let him use my car, sleep over so he wouldn't be alone, and meet every girl he met. God forbid if I went on a date. He would call so much I would turn my phone off and my dates were so confused they remained friends. Months into everything, after I had become close with his whole, rather hillbilly family, and we had actually hooked up did we start dating. We loved together and even signed a lease for an amazing apt.

The whole time he told me I dressed 'too plain', nicknamed me 'chubbers', spend his time playing world of warcraft or talking to ex gf's online, and become pushing me around. MF was 6'3 and when I met him, very lean. Apparently this was due to the fact he basically didn't eat. He gained weight, didn't shower, ever! I mean, literally once every few weeks he would and he never brushed his teeth. Needless to say, I was going to have sex with someone dirty or kiss him, so everything was fucked up. When he drank he wouldn't stop so I never went out with him and when he went with his friends, would come home reeking of whiskey and cigarettes and making me wonder who let him drive home. We ended up working in the same industry, eventually the same company, and that changed my life.

I began working with strong men who respected me and who helped me get my confidence back. When bruises started showing up on my wrists and arms, they stepped in. MF had started slow, yelling then shoving. Then came the hitting an more screaming, He would hit me and punch my head. He punched my arms, threw him against walls and beds, whatever he could do he did. MF had always claimed to never touch a woman since his drug/alcohol addicted father had hit his mother but then went out the window. He would hit me and cry but thank god for my bosses and all the lifetime movies I watched. After the 3rd time, I left him and my bosses helped me move out. They became some of my best friends and through them, I met the Israeli.

The Israeli and I ended up together, lived together, and got married. End of story right? MF just fades away? I only wish I had been that lucky. He called my phone all the time blocked, called work and the cell. Wrote things about me on the Internet. Tried to run my job. Called me every name he could think of, would call time after time after time. After a year or so, that's when the police blotter incident happened. Dragged that out so I had to go to court over 6 times after he no showed and lied about lawyers but it was worth it. I got my restraining order and he got a guilty plea. He still found ways to get to me, he pays someone $10 an hour to write shit about me from my old job, saying I am talking about other companies in that industry when I work in something so different.

While we were together, girls knew he lived with me and would still talk to him. They would believe he was 'unhappy' and talk even though he had cheated on them when he dated them. The girls found out he hit me, and to this day, still act as if he is god. He is the worst, manipulates everything, is always the victim and lies. It makes me sick to see how low these girls self esteem must be if they can talk to a guy who has lead them in for years, always saying he wants to be with them but when he is single they see he always gets a gf who isn't them. How can anyone want to talk to such an asshole? Someone who cheated and fucked them and every girl ever over? It just is so pathetic. I am not mad they like him so much as any girl liking a guy or person who treats them that way. For years. Who they barely see. He hides his disgusting self, inside and out, behind a computer screen.

I guess I got out and I wish all girls could in this situation.

10 Things I Hate About you said it best: don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want.

I look at life this way. If I had never met MF, I wouldn't have never got into the same industry, meeting my bosses and through them, the love of my life. So god works in mysterious ways.

My glass of wine is empty and it's late so I am done for tonight. I don;t know if anyone even reads this but I feel better getting this all out.

Ciao!

One For My Baby (And One More For the Road)

I have been spending the last 2 nights after work at Cost Plus World Market. There is one by my house which they are closing and so a good majority of the store is 75%. I bought a ton of new accent pieces for the apt. I bought a new shelf for the bedroom where I hope to put a plasma tv a soon as the Israeli gets back. I bought 4 candlestick holders, 2 for shabbat and 2 for the bedroom; 2 pictures, one for the bathroom and one to go with a picture of a rabbi; 2 sets of curtains; amazing new place mats and some decorative plates as a centerpiece; 6 chopstick sets; wine piece set; small mirror/plate and vase; tealight candle holder; table runner; and a few other things. So the apartment has really come together. One of my favorite buys though was this Mad Housewife Wine. I love the bottle so I don't think I will drink it but just enjoy it. It's a nice merlot so I suppose unless I get desperate, it will remained unopened. I bought a merlot and I am more of a white wine drinker anyways. While redoing everything I have made a corner of the house a more religious, introspective section. I have the picture of the rabbi and across a picture that is of vases/jugs in a setting that reminds me of biblical times. We have the shabbat candles, a menorah, a torah (bible), a gift I received for the honey at Rosh Hashanah. I will put my hamsa up soon too.

Besides decorating, today I donated blood. I think it is really important because I would not my myself or someone I love to be at a hospital and have them die because there was a blood shortage or something. I gave my pint in about 5 minutes (for the actually blood to be taken) and while I did get light headed and dizzy I think it was worth it. If anyone can give blood, please try to volunteer and help potentially save a life.

I ended up having pad si eiw again for dinner. I love the people who run the restaurant by my house. They are from Thailand and the brother is over there now,so my girl was like 'oh your husband is there? I'll give him my brothers number and he can take him out'. So cute!!! When I call the Israeli tomorrow I am going to let him know. He loves them too. We are quite loyal customers.

I am definitely doing my countdown more of when he comes home. 30 days. 20 days, 20 days, 5 day. Home!! I volunteered to work late tonight for 2 hours because then I get 3 hours to do whatever with. I want to take off a few days when he gets home so anytime extra is good for me. He will be bringing me something back from Thailand apparently.

bedtime for this girl. (love love love etta james, can't stop listening to her )

Baby I adore you and I'd do anything for you

All week I have been doing the totally healthy thing. Eating 6 times a day. Small meals. Proteins. No Carbs. It's not awful but tonight I was craving something more then a salad. (I have lost about 5 lbs!!!) I called my favorite thai restaurant and ordered some pad si eiw. While I waited for that to be ready I drove to the liquor store which is totally ghetto and filled with guys speaking in bad grammar and talking about baby mama's. The liquor store is a block from my house but people drive there to get away from the city tax. So while they were swearing and enjoying being obnoxious I grabbed a bottle riesling and a bottle of white zinfendel. Wine and Thai food with Bella as my date was actually a pretty good night. I watched One Tree Hill which I haven't watched since the first season but it has totally sucked me in. (If that stupid nanny gets with nathan i will stop watching again!!) Just like Grey's which I have basically ignored all season and the last episode pulled me right back in. I will not be watching Rock of Love unless most of the episodes air and I end up watching a marathon, which is what happened last time. I LOVE How to Look Good Naked and I love Carson!! All women should watch that show because he is absolutely amazing with the girls!!

I need to add working out back in but I am concentrating on eating well and plan to add in the working out more this week. I built a ton of stuff from Ikea this weekend and I am sooo sore. I have a new dining room table, new drawer/table thing, cabinent for shoes and purses and scarves and what not and a new lamp. After I built everything on Sunday night I cleaned some and cleaned up more yesterday and took pictures for the Israeli. Tonight I finally got to relax and treated myself with the thai food. Glitter is in Cali and my other gfs also live far and I did kind of want some company so I called up an old friend...

I don't know if "friend" is even the right word. I don't know what to feel about this girl. I want to like her, she isn't a bad person per say but so fucked up and lives in a fantasy world. When I was first dating the Israeli she would say things like oh yeah he called me to come over blah blah and I'd be like that's weird cause I was with him all night and slept over.... So she knew she was lying but she just...she didn't want him but she wanted what I had. She wants happiness and has a hard time finding it for herself so she thinks if she takes someone else's it will work for her. I guess she could be called Toxic. I once had a therapist who told me "If you had a beautiful glass of pure sparkling water, the best in the world, and then someone put a drop of cyanide in it, would you drink if?" and that makes a lot of sense. No matter how much fun or good a person have, if there is something that toxic you have to stay away from the rest to protect yourself. I answered my won question. As lonely as I can be and how much I miss a fun gf I guess I should stay away. But she was fun at times. I miss having a steady girlfriend to hang out with. I love just saying hey I'm coming to get you and doing random shopping trips, Target, dinner etc.

I have some work friend that are girls, the one I really like has 4 kids though and lives far away. There is another one but I don't know, we seem like we would click but something feels off for me although she is awesome. We have coffee plans after work in Thursday so I guess we'll see. Flower is fun but again 3 kids don't really spell spontaneous and whenever hang outs. Toxic wants to get sushi tomorrow night and drinks. Should I go? Whats that saying, loose lips sink ships? Hmmm

God I miss the Israeli. It's unfucking believable. I miss his face, his body, his lips, his hair, the way we fall asleep together, his smell. Here is something so embarrassing, I smell his deodorant and wear it because it reminds me of him. I have forgone my lovely dove deodorant because I just want to feel close to him and I LOVE the scent. I know it is only 34 more days but I am starting to get antsy. We talk everyday and all I can picture is getting to pick him up from the airport. Will we hug and kiss like crazy when I see him. Should I park or wait outside with the car? I am dying to just lay down and watch him watch seinfeld and breathe him in. To suffocate myself in his chest when he sleeps and holds me.

People are always surprised at how I adore him and am still so giddy about him but I say, why the fuck not? I will thank god if I can always feel this way. Excited to see him every time, loving him, and genuinely appreciating him. The man who lets me do anything, be anyone, respects me and would never ask of me what he wouldn't do for me himself.

He has beautiful brown eyes, dark brown/black hair that is perfectly soft and shiny and falls in soft waves when long and looks hot short, tall (6 ft), lean and muscular, the softest lips and skin, the gentlest touch yet firm enough to reassure me. The best thing though about his, his heart. If you ask anyone to ddescribe him the first thing, before that fact he is extremely hansom and funny is that he has a good heart. When that is the first thing you can think of about a person that person is something special.

Okay enough sappy stuff, something cool this week I found on ancestry.com this week. My mother came from Italy when she was a little girl and I found the original passengers list of the ship when she came over. It had her name, my uncle and my grandmas. I found my grandfather's too from 2 years earlier. Amazing.
I also got a passive aggressive email from my dad in North Carolina about how the original family last name (before he changed it something totally white so as not to be though of as Spanish) has some jewish origins which would matter since as he put it...well here is the email....

" This is my last e-mail to you so you don't need to worry about answering it. I just wanted to pass on some information that might be of interest to you. I have been doing research on my father's family and it turns out that the name XXXXXX has always been a name of jewish origin. As you know my father's family came from Spain and Portugal. The name is Sephardic Jew in origin (family geneology.com). I am quite certain The Isralei could tell you more. I understand that Israel does not recognize civil marriages only religious jewish ones so I thought this might be of interest. As I have not spoken to your mother since your brother's wedding I do not expect to hear from her either. In the future please feel free to contact me via e-mail and if that method is too uncomfortable for you then simply speak to your brother.
As always
First inital. Last name"

So yeah. Love the passive aggressive. If I could trace my roots back to a jewish woman that would be great but unlikely. I am wondering if it is wrong to try and be nice to see if he could help me since my mom's side of the family is italian for hundreds of years back.

Well, off to bed. Bella is sleeping on the chair with me (well behind me) and is letting me know we need to hit the bed. A quick shower and I should sleep well after the wine.

Oh yeah, as for the title, I must adore him because I sent a package today to him that cost me $158 to ship!! I wanted to make sure he got it before he goes to Thailand and fed ex is better and more reliable through customs then the post office. I do adore him....