I saw my Israeli boy band yesterday. I call them that because they are a group of 5 great looking nice guys that are always together and each are different but go together perfectly. Hung out, they cooked, I broke a plastic fork trying to cut something in front of them which was basically mortifying but I got over it fast.

Work is going better. A faster computer has decreased my workload by about half so that is great.

I had a great time with my friends mom yesterday who is orthodox and answered a lot of my questions about conversion. I am getting serious. Next step, picking a Rabbi to sponsor me.

Clean and clear morning burst is actually pretty amazing. I use the moisturizer too. Absolutely amazing and does wake you up in the morning.

I am missing Eli but the separation is okay. It;s hard to imagine him half way around the world doing so much I will never know, understand, even know about. Being in the house without him is weird again. I can understand why he always slept on the sofa. Without him here, the bedroom doesn't hold much appeal for me. More then anything I still miss sleeping with him. I hope everything is going well. I am not going to call or email him, I am giving him space and I don't need any problems with his psycho gf.

Here is my list of things that are important for me to do.

1) finish degree. fuck philosophy, i am going to do the easiest major at my college and get a communications degree. philosophy i will minor in or study for fun only
2) orthodox conversion. recognized in Israel.
3)travel
4)learn hebrew
5)lose 25lbs by my birthday in august.

I had a semi hook up with an old friend on saturday night. not much changes. he is hot and comfortable.

and cums in 10 seconds.

but this happens to me a lot, guys cum fast. apparently i give a good bj.

i wonder if i convert will i have a different view on sex? sometimes i think how it doesn't bother me to let the people i like touch me. i dont see it as bad. i mean tony and i have a 9 year history. sometime hooking up with him, or some of my ex's/friends, its becomes neither here nor there. just something i enjoy and like more then i mind, ya know? i told miami that i don't want to talk to him much anymore. it is more of a bother then a jyo and he wont be back here for a few months and i just wasn't feeling what i wanted to feel. i know the feleings i have had and i am not settling for less when i am happy alone.

this madonna song 'jump' is not bad.

The Heart of the Matter (India Arie Version)

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore